About Immature Sex and how I learnt to control my thoughts
I attempt here, to write this story, about how I learnt to control my thoughts.
But to illustrate this point I have to take you back many, many years, (thirty).
I was a sixteen years of age girl, with an awkward hairdo and a very skinny, bony body. (Not intentionally. I was actually subsiding on a diet of thick slices of bread with butter- to try and develop breasts and hips, like a “real woman” should look).
My young heart, was just broken, when I found that my boyfriend, Jacob, the “LOVE” of my young life, was sleeping with another girl.
He was the first boy I slept with.
The first time I felt “madly in love” with a boy.
He had soft brown hair which turned blond at the edges.
He played the guitar, he gave me my first orgasm (when not alone...), and he rolled some mean hashish loaded joints.
The sex, was far from good between us.
To begin with, his penis was WAY TOO large for my small, narrow and inexperienced vulva.
Our teenager hormones, were rendering us totally blind...
I vaguely remember sucking on his elbow for five minutes, before opening my eyes and realizing it was NOT his.....
We could hardly fit his erected penis into my body, and all of our laughs aside, it was pretty frustrating.
We were open minded kids, living in a liberated society, so we openly discussed our “problem” with our friends.
One friend, by the nick name of “Nezek” - translated, it means “Damage”, came up with an idea that worked.
Should I share it here?
Probably not.....
After all, I set about writing about controlling your thoughts, NOT about giving young teenagers some sexual tips..... and... most of my friends now, are adults, and adults have a whole new sets of problems..... not nonsense like this... and..... OK, OK, I will say it... Just give me a minute.........now....... I have to change the title of this piece.... and to mention that it is about immature sex AND how I first learnt to control my thoughts.
OK, I am back.... I will say it quickly and be done with it.....
“Damage” said that no woman is really “narrow and small”.
That I am just being too nervous and too uptight, not wet and not really ready.
So he suggested that Jacob will give me an orgasm orally, and enter me right after I am satisfied and relaxed.
“Damage” was a crazy, wild boy, with no regards to conventions, no understanding of social boundaries and probably some minor criminal tendencies, but “Damage” was right....
So.... back to my story, Jacob was sleeping with another girl.
How did I find this out?
She told me so.
She even said it with pride.
She said she felt PROUD, that we were sleeping with the same guy.
I befriended her months before this confession.
She was 18, she had no parents and she was living alone, with her gorgeous older sister.
They were living my ideal teenager life.
Two pretty girls, with money, and NO adult supervision.
You know how teenagers are,......... parents are their nightmares.
Well, it is not fair to say parents, only my mother was a nightmare.
My dad was easy to get along with.
He never hit me, or disciplined me, never punished me and never used curse words.
He was an intellectual who believed in words, not physical punishment.
My mother was like a wild cat.
She would resort to ANY means, to get her way....
I remember the day this girlfriend invited me to go shopping at the grocery store with her.
We bought ANYTHING we felt like eating.
I felt so liberated.
I was NEVER consulted while shopping for groceries, as to what I wished to eat.
I needed to learn to love what my parents loved to eat.
(My Russian dad, loved an assortment of cured salted fish on bread, and my Mother loved eggs, dairy, and pan fried “schnitzels” )
After putting the groceries away, we made lunch together.
While slicing the tomatoes, she told me of her casual sex with Jacob.
She said she fully understand that he is MY boyfriend, and that she is VERY happy to be just sleeping with his casually and occasionally.
She emphasized that she does not aim to take my place, just enjoy his handsomeness and share my “good fortune”.
I must admit that her way of thinking was very strange to me.. but I admired he honesty and felt betrayed by Jacob who did NOT TELL ME about this.
I ended the relationship with him, but kept her, as my girlfriend for a long while.
To be honest, my heart was broken.
I missed Jacob very much.
My mind kept on running these scenes from our time together...
I saw us walking hand in hand on the beach, eating ice cream from the same cone, singing together by a campfire....
I was romanticizing our time together and breaking my own heart all over again.... missing him and longing for his presence in my life...
In a bookstore, I found a thin book called “How to heal a broken heart”.
It was a clumsy, numbered, self help book... but I still remember what it taught me.
The gist of the advice that it offered, was that when you find your mind visualizing his beautiful face, when you find yourself yearning to kiss him, try visualizing something ugly in that picture, like snot, or a large pus filled zit on his lips or nose....
Beside offering many immature visual pictures, that you can bring up, to make the pictures in your mind, revolting and not romantic, it guided me to understand that we have FULL control, over our thought process.
It showed me that we can truly choose our thoughts and learn to direct our emotions, by the thoughts we elect to hold in our minds.
Yes, I must shamefully admit that it was a NEW concept for me.
Before that, I operated much like a transistor radio, picking up on whatever thoughts was broadcasted in my mind, and going along with it.
I had no idea that I even have the “RIGHT”, to interfere and to direct my thoughts, to navigate and to choose them.
It was NEW, LIBERATING and.... IT WORKED!
Instead of allowing my mind to run the hopeless Hindi or Egyptian love movies, of the aching heroine, I made the movies in my mind, funny or boring and eventually there was no pain left.
I forgot Jacob within days.
Well, I did not really forget him, but I did not ache for him any longer.
Life gave me the opportunity to meet Jacob again, three years later.
I was serving my two years mandatory army service.
I was a photographer in the air force, and I was being “punished” and sent to an isolated air force base, deep in the desert.
I was actually living in Tel Aviv, working as a photographer for the air force, stationed at the city.
My boss, had a useless secretary and I always volunteered to help him with composing and typing his letters.
I often did office work for him, that was NOT part of my assigned duties as a photographer.
One Friday, my boss asked me to stay and to do office work with him, over the weekend.
I had plans to travel with my current boyfriend who I lived with at the time.
I told him to ask his secretary, and mentioned that my duties were as a photographer, not as an office lady.
My boss got mad and said that he knows he cannot force me to do this work, but if I'll refuse, he will punish me.
I said that it is not fair that he is taking advantage of my good nature and that he threatens to punish me, after being so helpful to him for so long, and after going above and beyond the call of duty and taking on so much unassigned office work....
So.... after delivering my self indignant speech, I went home.
On Monday, I was assigned to the photography department at a remote air force base in the desert, six hours south from my home and my evening job, which was helping me to pay my bills.
That remote, desert, air force post, had ONE, single old camera and absolutely NO assignment for me to do.... not even film, to load the ancient camera with.
That day, I spent hitch hiking my way down to the desert.
There were not even busses going that way.
That night, I arrived at the base late, and I missed dinner.
The base had no lights and I made my way to the kitchen to look for something to eat.
In the dark, under a single lamppost, I saw Jacob.
He was handsome as always, looking at me with that bad boy smile that always melted my heart.
Turned out, he was in charge of the kitchen.
He took me in, and at the large industrial kitchen, he made me a dinner of fried eggs, sliced potatoes, sardines and white bread.
He was sympathetic and friendly and listen to my story, which I delivered with alligator tears and sobs.
I moaned for hours about the injustice of life.... about how cruel people can be.... about how people take advantage of my good nature and willingness to help...
Jacob did his best to cheer me up and to make me laugh.
He was a good friend to me, listening, yet NOT actually buying into my sorry ass narrow point of view.
That night I resisted my urges and went to bed alone.
I was able to close a chapter in my life with Jacob, without needing to remember him with a hideous face or with zits....
We parted with a warm hug.
A month later, I was allowed to go back to the city base, if I’ll say that I am sorry.
I hitch hiked back to Tel Aviv, stood in front of my boss with tear filled eyes,... and with a heart filled with sadness, blame and self righteousness, and I said I am sorry.
He said “Forget it... it is all good now”.... and he NEVER assigned me another office job again.
When my time came to be released from the army, he signed my release certificate with the warmest recommendation a person can get.....
But to illustrate this point I have to take you back many, many years, (thirty).
I was a sixteen years of age girl, with an awkward hairdo and a very skinny, bony body. (Not intentionally. I was actually subsiding on a diet of thick slices of bread with butter- to try and develop breasts and hips, like a “real woman” should look).
My young heart, was just broken, when I found that my boyfriend, Jacob, the “LOVE” of my young life, was sleeping with another girl.
He was the first boy I slept with.
The first time I felt “madly in love” with a boy.
He had soft brown hair which turned blond at the edges.
He played the guitar, he gave me my first orgasm (when not alone...), and he rolled some mean hashish loaded joints.
The sex, was far from good between us.
To begin with, his penis was WAY TOO large for my small, narrow and inexperienced vulva.
Our teenager hormones, were rendering us totally blind...
I vaguely remember sucking on his elbow for five minutes, before opening my eyes and realizing it was NOT his.....
We could hardly fit his erected penis into my body, and all of our laughs aside, it was pretty frustrating.
We were open minded kids, living in a liberated society, so we openly discussed our “problem” with our friends.
One friend, by the nick name of “Nezek” - translated, it means “Damage”, came up with an idea that worked.
Should I share it here?
Probably not.....
After all, I set about writing about controlling your thoughts, NOT about giving young teenagers some sexual tips..... and... most of my friends now, are adults, and adults have a whole new sets of problems..... not nonsense like this... and..... OK, OK, I will say it... Just give me a minute.........now....... I have to change the title of this piece.... and to mention that it is about immature sex AND how I first learnt to control my thoughts.
OK, I am back.... I will say it quickly and be done with it.....
“Damage” said that no woman is really “narrow and small”.
That I am just being too nervous and too uptight, not wet and not really ready.
So he suggested that Jacob will give me an orgasm orally, and enter me right after I am satisfied and relaxed.
“Damage” was a crazy, wild boy, with no regards to conventions, no understanding of social boundaries and probably some minor criminal tendencies, but “Damage” was right....
So.... back to my story, Jacob was sleeping with another girl.
How did I find this out?
She told me so.
She even said it with pride.
She said she felt PROUD, that we were sleeping with the same guy.
I befriended her months before this confession.
She was 18, she had no parents and she was living alone, with her gorgeous older sister.
They were living my ideal teenager life.
Two pretty girls, with money, and NO adult supervision.
You know how teenagers are,......... parents are their nightmares.
Well, it is not fair to say parents, only my mother was a nightmare.
My dad was easy to get along with.
He never hit me, or disciplined me, never punished me and never used curse words.
He was an intellectual who believed in words, not physical punishment.
My mother was like a wild cat.
She would resort to ANY means, to get her way....
I remember the day this girlfriend invited me to go shopping at the grocery store with her.
We bought ANYTHING we felt like eating.
I felt so liberated.
I was NEVER consulted while shopping for groceries, as to what I wished to eat.
I needed to learn to love what my parents loved to eat.
(My Russian dad, loved an assortment of cured salted fish on bread, and my Mother loved eggs, dairy, and pan fried “schnitzels” )
After putting the groceries away, we made lunch together.
While slicing the tomatoes, she told me of her casual sex with Jacob.
She said she fully understand that he is MY boyfriend, and that she is VERY happy to be just sleeping with his casually and occasionally.
She emphasized that she does not aim to take my place, just enjoy his handsomeness and share my “good fortune”.
I must admit that her way of thinking was very strange to me.. but I admired he honesty and felt betrayed by Jacob who did NOT TELL ME about this.
I ended the relationship with him, but kept her, as my girlfriend for a long while.
To be honest, my heart was broken.
I missed Jacob very much.
My mind kept on running these scenes from our time together...
I saw us walking hand in hand on the beach, eating ice cream from the same cone, singing together by a campfire....
I was romanticizing our time together and breaking my own heart all over again.... missing him and longing for his presence in my life...
In a bookstore, I found a thin book called “How to heal a broken heart”.
It was a clumsy, numbered, self help book... but I still remember what it taught me.
The gist of the advice that it offered, was that when you find your mind visualizing his beautiful face, when you find yourself yearning to kiss him, try visualizing something ugly in that picture, like snot, or a large pus filled zit on his lips or nose....
Beside offering many immature visual pictures, that you can bring up, to make the pictures in your mind, revolting and not romantic, it guided me to understand that we have FULL control, over our thought process.
It showed me that we can truly choose our thoughts and learn to direct our emotions, by the thoughts we elect to hold in our minds.
Yes, I must shamefully admit that it was a NEW concept for me.
Before that, I operated much like a transistor radio, picking up on whatever thoughts was broadcasted in my mind, and going along with it.
I had no idea that I even have the “RIGHT”, to interfere and to direct my thoughts, to navigate and to choose them.
It was NEW, LIBERATING and.... IT WORKED!
Instead of allowing my mind to run the hopeless Hindi or Egyptian love movies, of the aching heroine, I made the movies in my mind, funny or boring and eventually there was no pain left.
I forgot Jacob within days.
Well, I did not really forget him, but I did not ache for him any longer.
Life gave me the opportunity to meet Jacob again, three years later.
I was serving my two years mandatory army service.
I was a photographer in the air force, and I was being “punished” and sent to an isolated air force base, deep in the desert.
I was actually living in Tel Aviv, working as a photographer for the air force, stationed at the city.
My boss, had a useless secretary and I always volunteered to help him with composing and typing his letters.
I often did office work for him, that was NOT part of my assigned duties as a photographer.
One Friday, my boss asked me to stay and to do office work with him, over the weekend.
I had plans to travel with my current boyfriend who I lived with at the time.
I told him to ask his secretary, and mentioned that my duties were as a photographer, not as an office lady.
My boss got mad and said that he knows he cannot force me to do this work, but if I'll refuse, he will punish me.
I said that it is not fair that he is taking advantage of my good nature and that he threatens to punish me, after being so helpful to him for so long, and after going above and beyond the call of duty and taking on so much unassigned office work....
So.... after delivering my self indignant speech, I went home.
On Monday, I was assigned to the photography department at a remote air force base in the desert, six hours south from my home and my evening job, which was helping me to pay my bills.
That remote, desert, air force post, had ONE, single old camera and absolutely NO assignment for me to do.... not even film, to load the ancient camera with.
That day, I spent hitch hiking my way down to the desert.
There were not even busses going that way.
That night, I arrived at the base late, and I missed dinner.
The base had no lights and I made my way to the kitchen to look for something to eat.
In the dark, under a single lamppost, I saw Jacob.
He was handsome as always, looking at me with that bad boy smile that always melted my heart.
Turned out, he was in charge of the kitchen.
He took me in, and at the large industrial kitchen, he made me a dinner of fried eggs, sliced potatoes, sardines and white bread.
He was sympathetic and friendly and listen to my story, which I delivered with alligator tears and sobs.
I moaned for hours about the injustice of life.... about how cruel people can be.... about how people take advantage of my good nature and willingness to help...
Jacob did his best to cheer me up and to make me laugh.
He was a good friend to me, listening, yet NOT actually buying into my sorry ass narrow point of view.
That night I resisted my urges and went to bed alone.
I was able to close a chapter in my life with Jacob, without needing to remember him with a hideous face or with zits....
We parted with a warm hug.
A month later, I was allowed to go back to the city base, if I’ll say that I am sorry.
I hitch hiked back to Tel Aviv, stood in front of my boss with tear filled eyes,... and with a heart filled with sadness, blame and self righteousness, and I said I am sorry.
He said “Forget it... it is all good now”.... and he NEVER assigned me another office job again.
When my time came to be released from the army, he signed my release certificate with the warmest recommendation a person can get.....
