Reflections on envy and jealousy....
Recently, I corresponded with a friend, who told me that he is feeling dispirited by all the envy he encounters now in his life.
He is dispirited by the fact that these people who he considered life long friends, are showing definite signs of jealously of the life of leisure and joy that he enjoys now.
He went on to describe that even though he is enjoying a good life now, it has not always been so...
In fact, his story of a hard childhood, many disadvantages and many life's challenges, made my eyes moist...
I will not share here his story, but I will sum it up by saying that he started with nothing, married his College sweetheart, and together they went on to build a comfortable financial life.
They have wonderful and talented children, and they enjoy good relationships with them.
It just pains him to see that his friends, who should be happy for him, are envy instead.
He asked me if I can offer any insights....
I fully understand his predicament....
If you are a person who usually do not have a tendency to feel jealousy, it is hard to understand how can friends feel this way...
I would like to mention here, that another friend of mine, once pointed out the different between 'envy' and 'jealousy' to me... and his words opened up a whole new world of exploration for me, which led me to understand this subject with different eyes.
I will share here with you my thoughts about this subject and what I understand now...
My hope is, that you will add your own insights, as comments to this note.
This friend who visited Jules and I, and stayed with us, confessed to me that he is envy of us...
He pointed out that he is NOT JEALOUS, but envy....
He said that he wants what we have...
That when he looks at our lives, and see the joy that we enjoy... the love, the closeness... the warmth... the support that we offer one another....
He said that we live the ideal life... in which we encourage one another to grow, instead of supporting one another's weaknesses...
That when one of us points to the other his/ her errors, it is done with no finger pointing, or offense, but with humor and a desire to help....
That we talk so openly and honestly about everything...
He said he envies how we lay down on the sofa in the evenings, with a big blanket that covers both of us, while we watch comedies and laugh... or read books,........ or listen to classical music and talk....
He said that we give one another so much room to be silly and foolish, as well as encourage one another to be wise and insightful.
He envy our many adventure travels and all the fun we encounter...
He is envious of our beautiful homes and the slow pace of life that we cultivated... The loads of time we have to do nothing, or just to paint....
Our beautiful gardens... the abundance we have...
And then he said that he used the word ENVY and not JEALOUS, on purpose.
When he envy us, he means to say that he wants the SAME or SIMILAR things in HIS life.
He wants to be able to create a similar life,.....
He also want to enjoy a happy marriage and an abundant life....
He wants to be able to be this happy and calm... and rich... and peaceful... and active, and grateful...
Now... 'Jealousy' he explained, is different, because it imply that one wants to 'take away', or to 'detract' from something, because one is angry that one does not have it.
I saw the wisdom in what he said, and sat with my tea to think about his words.
Yes... I had to agree with him, that there IS a difference between the two..... Even though the dictionary, does not differentiate between the two terms at all.
Both jealousy and envy, suggest a discontentment and resentment, rising from the fact that a person has MORE than you.
But I am here to say that I think that beyond the definition of these words... what my friend said... is true.
You see,....... when someone is feeling jealous, of what you have or what you've created in your life, it imply powerlessness.
It somehow means that this person believes, that what you have done, is NOT something that he can create easily in his/ her life also.
But when somebody is admittedly envy of you, it means that they KNOW that all that you have, and all that you enjoy, IS VERY MUCH within their OWM REACH...
It means that your life, becomes their FUTURE NAVIGATION MAP.... of what they want to see manifest in their own life one day.
I once attended a workshop in which we were encouraged to make an "Envy Map", in which we listed all the famous people we are 'jealous' of and why...
It was very revealing... and it showed some people, career choices they wanted to take, but never even dreamt that they had wanted it.....they did not even know they wanted to be a singer or an actor...
It showed some what values and goals they want to manifest in their own lives.
This is how one can use the positive side of envy or jealousy, and turn it around to work FOR their own good, and help them define and get clarity about the direction of their own path in life.
The negative side of Jealousy, comes when a person is inwardly convinced, that it is TOO LATE, or that she has no abilities...no means... No hope....
It usually comes to the surface, when one feels disempowered, depressed and lacking in Self confidence.
This person must be hearing an inner voice that tells him/her, that he is not likely to bring into his own life, all that he truly wants...
This negative thinking and beliefs, can result in jealous behavior.
The person who feel unable, unconsciously will feel that he does NOT truly want what his friends have.
He does this by minimizing what the others have, so he does not have to feel jealous toward them.
He may try to detract from the beauty, or meaning, or wholeness of what he sees his friends enjoy.
For example:
If a person is jealous of a beautiful actress who enjoy a great acting career and much money, it may mean that she secretly want to be an actress too.
But she look in the mirror, and feel that she is not pretty enough.. Or maybe she is too old... Or Hollywood is so corrupt... Or she cannot memorize any lines... Or she wishes she started earlier.... Etc.
So after hearing all these negative and limited ideas, a person may turn around and think to herself: "Hey, no big deal... Who wants to be an actress anyway... This pretty movie start, is not really so pretty..... Let's see her without all the plastic surgeries in which she is desperately trying to keep her appearance youthful....... She probably cry every night, even with all the money she has...."
This way, the person is negatively using her own mean inner process, to put down the IDEAL and the IDOL of what she feels unable to manifest.
Now, she is no longer feeling REALLY jealous.......
This is why some people resort to spreading rumors about a person they are jealous of. It gives them the assurance, that they are not "Less Than".
The smart ones, who do not have a negative inner dialog, will recognize that they are feeling jealous...
They would proceed to will look into it...
They will ask themselves what exactly are they jealous of?
They will make a list of all these things, as if they want to see them in their own lives and will move on to making them their goals.
Jealousy, if used correctly, can become your treasure map.
If done negatively, can damage the person who holds those feeling, and deplete their belief in their own powers to achieve happiness in their own life, even farther.
When we encounter direct jealously, in which we feel people are jealous of us, it is an important opportunity to remind them, that all that we have, they can have also.... if they will work towards it.
Not one person who walks this earth, is more blessed or entitled than another.
We are ALL, entitled to a happy, prosperous and healthy lives.
We just need to learn how to attract what we truly desire, and what are we doing wrong, or what obstacles we put in the way of our own good.
Those who are very far from living their dreams, may feel more disempowered than others.
They may have a harder time, and are less likely to be happy for others who enjoy more, since they feel that SO MUCH is missing in their own lives.
We need to feel compassion towards them and understand their current predicament.
By no means, should we diminish our own light, as to match those who are around us and are not yet able to rise above their struggles to see the light.
If we got to a place in life, in which life is smiling at us, we MUST enjoy these blessings and keep on opening up for greater things.... beyond the finite.
We must send those people who feel that they are lacking, all our blessings.... and know that they are on their path towards greater understanding, and we must not be discouraged by their lack of support towards us.
Their jealousy does NOT effect us in any way.
In the old days, people believed that jealousy brings out the "evil eye," which will rob us of our own good fortune.
Some of these superstitions are still around today, and in some Arab and Israel cultures, people wear a pendant that is in the shape of a hand, or an eye, to ward off the evil eye..
There are similar traditions in Creole cultures and in the many islands in Asia and the Pacific.
But we must not allow our hearts to sink because our friends are not as advance yet...
I once met a man who told me that when he started to change his life for the better, he was amazed that NONE of his friends were happy for him...
He was shocked, as he was so miserable before....
His friends and even extended family, felt that shared misery is not so bad, if many people suffer together from it...... but when he claimed for himself a better life, they started to stand in his way and belittle him for trying to escape and achieve more.
We need all our strength we can muster, to move towards the direction we want to reach, and let these old relationships drop away, or become less important to us, if we cannot transform them into holy relationships, in which everyone is seen as full of light and equal.
To end this note, I want to add something that science had found very recently, which helps explain (by a side way,) also the concepts of jealousy and envy.
It is called "Mirror Neurons" and it is an information system that exist in a part of our brains.
The Mirror Neurons, allow us to identify with other people, VERY VERY CLOSELY.
This means that we are endowed with the ability to feel what other people are feeling.
It explains why we all have the ability to feel deep empathy and sympathy towards others.
This also means, that we are endowed with the KNOWLEDGE, that what is available to one, is available to ALL.
What happens to one, can happen to all...
If taken wrongly, this can make us vulnerable and fearful... because it means that if an epidemic is raging, we can be affected also...
OR....
It can make us feel powerful and united....
Because if ONE of us can become a billionaire from living in the streets- then all of us can.
If ONE of us can walk on water and transcend the 'laws' of the earth- then all of us can.
And if one of us can reach enlightenment- then all of us can.
Take heart!
To watch a very easy and informative video about "Mirror Neurons"
(Part 1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzMqPYfeA-s
(part2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmEsGQ3JmKg
mirror neurons
He is dispirited by the fact that these people who he considered life long friends, are showing definite signs of jealously of the life of leisure and joy that he enjoys now.
He went on to describe that even though he is enjoying a good life now, it has not always been so...
In fact, his story of a hard childhood, many disadvantages and many life's challenges, made my eyes moist...
I will not share here his story, but I will sum it up by saying that he started with nothing, married his College sweetheart, and together they went on to build a comfortable financial life.
They have wonderful and talented children, and they enjoy good relationships with them.
It just pains him to see that his friends, who should be happy for him, are envy instead.
He asked me if I can offer any insights....
I fully understand his predicament....
If you are a person who usually do not have a tendency to feel jealousy, it is hard to understand how can friends feel this way...
I would like to mention here, that another friend of mine, once pointed out the different between 'envy' and 'jealousy' to me... and his words opened up a whole new world of exploration for me, which led me to understand this subject with different eyes.
I will share here with you my thoughts about this subject and what I understand now...
My hope is, that you will add your own insights, as comments to this note.
This friend who visited Jules and I, and stayed with us, confessed to me that he is envy of us...
He pointed out that he is NOT JEALOUS, but envy....
He said that he wants what we have...
That when he looks at our lives, and see the joy that we enjoy... the love, the closeness... the warmth... the support that we offer one another....
He said that we live the ideal life... in which we encourage one another to grow, instead of supporting one another's weaknesses...
That when one of us points to the other his/ her errors, it is done with no finger pointing, or offense, but with humor and a desire to help....
That we talk so openly and honestly about everything...
He said he envies how we lay down on the sofa in the evenings, with a big blanket that covers both of us, while we watch comedies and laugh... or read books,........ or listen to classical music and talk....
He said that we give one another so much room to be silly and foolish, as well as encourage one another to be wise and insightful.
He envy our many adventure travels and all the fun we encounter...
He is envious of our beautiful homes and the slow pace of life that we cultivated... The loads of time we have to do nothing, or just to paint....
Our beautiful gardens... the abundance we have...
And then he said that he used the word ENVY and not JEALOUS, on purpose.
When he envy us, he means to say that he wants the SAME or SIMILAR things in HIS life.
He wants to be able to create a similar life,.....
He also want to enjoy a happy marriage and an abundant life....
He wants to be able to be this happy and calm... and rich... and peaceful... and active, and grateful...
Now... 'Jealousy' he explained, is different, because it imply that one wants to 'take away', or to 'detract' from something, because one is angry that one does not have it.
I saw the wisdom in what he said, and sat with my tea to think about his words.
Yes... I had to agree with him, that there IS a difference between the two..... Even though the dictionary, does not differentiate between the two terms at all.
Both jealousy and envy, suggest a discontentment and resentment, rising from the fact that a person has MORE than you.
But I am here to say that I think that beyond the definition of these words... what my friend said... is true.
You see,....... when someone is feeling jealous, of what you have or what you've created in your life, it imply powerlessness.
It somehow means that this person believes, that what you have done, is NOT something that he can create easily in his/ her life also.
But when somebody is admittedly envy of you, it means that they KNOW that all that you have, and all that you enjoy, IS VERY MUCH within their OWM REACH...
It means that your life, becomes their FUTURE NAVIGATION MAP.... of what they want to see manifest in their own life one day.
I once attended a workshop in which we were encouraged to make an "Envy Map", in which we listed all the famous people we are 'jealous' of and why...
It was very revealing... and it showed some people, career choices they wanted to take, but never even dreamt that they had wanted it.....they did not even know they wanted to be a singer or an actor...
It showed some what values and goals they want to manifest in their own lives.
This is how one can use the positive side of envy or jealousy, and turn it around to work FOR their own good, and help them define and get clarity about the direction of their own path in life.
The negative side of Jealousy, comes when a person is inwardly convinced, that it is TOO LATE, or that she has no abilities...no means... No hope....
It usually comes to the surface, when one feels disempowered, depressed and lacking in Self confidence.
This person must be hearing an inner voice that tells him/her, that he is not likely to bring into his own life, all that he truly wants...
This negative thinking and beliefs, can result in jealous behavior.
The person who feel unable, unconsciously will feel that he does NOT truly want what his friends have.
He does this by minimizing what the others have, so he does not have to feel jealous toward them.
He may try to detract from the beauty, or meaning, or wholeness of what he sees his friends enjoy.
For example:
If a person is jealous of a beautiful actress who enjoy a great acting career and much money, it may mean that she secretly want to be an actress too.
But she look in the mirror, and feel that she is not pretty enough.. Or maybe she is too old... Or Hollywood is so corrupt... Or she cannot memorize any lines... Or she wishes she started earlier.... Etc.
So after hearing all these negative and limited ideas, a person may turn around and think to herself: "Hey, no big deal... Who wants to be an actress anyway... This pretty movie start, is not really so pretty..... Let's see her without all the plastic surgeries in which she is desperately trying to keep her appearance youthful....... She probably cry every night, even with all the money she has...."
This way, the person is negatively using her own mean inner process, to put down the IDEAL and the IDOL of what she feels unable to manifest.
Now, she is no longer feeling REALLY jealous.......
This is why some people resort to spreading rumors about a person they are jealous of. It gives them the assurance, that they are not "Less Than".
The smart ones, who do not have a negative inner dialog, will recognize that they are feeling jealous...
They would proceed to will look into it...
They will ask themselves what exactly are they jealous of?
They will make a list of all these things, as if they want to see them in their own lives and will move on to making them their goals.
Jealousy, if used correctly, can become your treasure map.
If done negatively, can damage the person who holds those feeling, and deplete their belief in their own powers to achieve happiness in their own life, even farther.
When we encounter direct jealously, in which we feel people are jealous of us, it is an important opportunity to remind them, that all that we have, they can have also.... if they will work towards it.
Not one person who walks this earth, is more blessed or entitled than another.
We are ALL, entitled to a happy, prosperous and healthy lives.
We just need to learn how to attract what we truly desire, and what are we doing wrong, or what obstacles we put in the way of our own good.
Those who are very far from living their dreams, may feel more disempowered than others.
They may have a harder time, and are less likely to be happy for others who enjoy more, since they feel that SO MUCH is missing in their own lives.
We need to feel compassion towards them and understand their current predicament.
By no means, should we diminish our own light, as to match those who are around us and are not yet able to rise above their struggles to see the light.
If we got to a place in life, in which life is smiling at us, we MUST enjoy these blessings and keep on opening up for greater things.... beyond the finite.
We must send those people who feel that they are lacking, all our blessings.... and know that they are on their path towards greater understanding, and we must not be discouraged by their lack of support towards us.
Their jealousy does NOT effect us in any way.
In the old days, people believed that jealousy brings out the "evil eye," which will rob us of our own good fortune.
Some of these superstitions are still around today, and in some Arab and Israel cultures, people wear a pendant that is in the shape of a hand, or an eye, to ward off the evil eye..
There are similar traditions in Creole cultures and in the many islands in Asia and the Pacific.
But we must not allow our hearts to sink because our friends are not as advance yet...
I once met a man who told me that when he started to change his life for the better, he was amazed that NONE of his friends were happy for him...
He was shocked, as he was so miserable before....
His friends and even extended family, felt that shared misery is not so bad, if many people suffer together from it...... but when he claimed for himself a better life, they started to stand in his way and belittle him for trying to escape and achieve more.
We need all our strength we can muster, to move towards the direction we want to reach, and let these old relationships drop away, or become less important to us, if we cannot transform them into holy relationships, in which everyone is seen as full of light and equal.
To end this note, I want to add something that science had found very recently, which helps explain (by a side way,) also the concepts of jealousy and envy.
It is called "Mirror Neurons" and it is an information system that exist in a part of our brains.
The Mirror Neurons, allow us to identify with other people, VERY VERY CLOSELY.
This means that we are endowed with the ability to feel what other people are feeling.
It explains why we all have the ability to feel deep empathy and sympathy towards others.
This also means, that we are endowed with the KNOWLEDGE, that what is available to one, is available to ALL.
What happens to one, can happen to all...
If taken wrongly, this can make us vulnerable and fearful... because it means that if an epidemic is raging, we can be affected also...
OR....
It can make us feel powerful and united....
Because if ONE of us can become a billionaire from living in the streets- then all of us can.
If ONE of us can walk on water and transcend the 'laws' of the earth- then all of us can.
And if one of us can reach enlightenment- then all of us can.
Take heart!
To watch a very easy and informative video about "Mirror Neurons"
(Part 1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzMqPYfeA-s
(part2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmEsGQ3JmKg
mirror neurons
