Why do couples stop having sex in a long term relationship.
You may not know how common it actually is.....
But research shows that around 20 million marriages, and long term relationships in the USA, are without sex, or passionate intimacy.
Twenty percent of couples have sex 10 times per year or less.
Some couples do not just stop having sex, but also stop touching, hugging or kissing one another. (most do not engage in French kissing any more)
A number of couples rarely say, “I love you,” and many feel lonely and isolated within their relationships.
I sit to reflect on the subject with the hope of coming up with some perspective on the issue.... I have tried the ideas that I plan to present here, and they worked for me.
There are the obvious reasons that long term couples stop having sex, but those obvious reasons, usually lead to divorce.
There is the lack of compatibility, lack of heart connection and lack of respect for each other, brought about by observing one another as we go through life, and finding the other lacking....
There is the unwillingness to listen and to love one another through personal struggles and emotional difficulties....
Becoming attracted to someone else....
Selfishness or being too self centered in a manner that leaves the other feeling unheard, unloved and not considered.....
There is lack of patience....lack of physical attraction or partners that use sex as a manipulation tactic.
I will attempt to reflect out loud in this note, ONLY on the relationships that seem to work very well.
These relationships are full of love, support and adoration for each other, but somehow.... The couple do not seem to find the time or the stamina required to have sex.
Some will say cynically, that if you ask a married couple what is the main cause for their sexless relationships.... They will use one word: "kids".
But I am not convinced that kids are actually a buzz killer and the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
Many couples with no kids, or with grown kids who left the house years ago, still abstain from sex.
There is the issue that many adults simply forgot how to play.
Sex requires an amount of playfulness, and people who are too serious, or engage in stressful careers (like doctors, lawyers, etc), or simply over burden themselves with worries, are not in touch with their authentic selves.....
Our authentic self is naturally playful, and humorous.... soft and ready for fun.
Some adults need to remember how much fun it is to play......
Bringing fun into your life is required in many aspects of your life....
It is also essential in creativity, in promoting inner peace and in cultivating a carefree mind.... give yourself permission to be silly, unproductive and playful.
There is the issue of roles.
This is another major issue that needs to be looked at in ALL areas of your life.
Do NOT get stuck in a stifling role, and do not allow others to lock you in a role that does not fit you, only because they want to see you in it.
To put it in blunt and simple words, do not be locked into the role of only being a "mother"... If your husband calls you Mom... Or Mommy..... He is not likely to desire to fuck you, later that night....
To him, your role as a mother to his children, does not have time zones....
For your husband, you should be a wife, a lover, a partner, an equal, a friend, etc...
His own mother, IS his mother, NOT you.
You are a mother to your children.
Using words may sound harmless at first, but with time, they take roots in the subconscious and become a reality.
Back to roles, it is important to remember that we are complex beings with many facets and operating forces inside us.
We have inside of us, an inner child, a higher self, a playful sexual bunny (or stud), an educator, a moral navigator, an adventurer, an artist, a poet, an ambitious side, a loser side who always shakes our confidence, believes in dispiriting ideas, and many more....
Like every problem, the solution is hidden in the wrong concepts that we hold to begin with...
You may want to ask yourself, how much sex is "good" to enjoy, in your relationship.......
NOT what OTHERS are doing, or what you imagine to be 'normal'......
The answer to this will vary from couple to couple, and will change during your life, as you go through a change of circumstances.
For example, if your partner got a wonderful work assignment overseas, and you will not be able to see one another for months, do not get down hearted over the fact that you will have to abstain from sex, (except with yourself), for awhile....
It is what life's circumstances dictate now.
If you see your partner only on weekends, do not expect to have sex on EVERY weekend.
There may be times when your partner will feel moody and unsexy... All these are to be expected and are very normal.
Another common mistake women do, is to believe that men are sex mad...always ready to score and are always hungry for sex.
Contrary to media portrayals, and lies you may have been hearing since childhood, men are not always ready to go at it like rabbits anytime, anywhere.
Men are not in a chronic state of heat.....
The vision that some women hold of the Alpha male, dominating and ready to take you on demand, after ruthlessly ripping off your panties.... Is NOT a healthy concept to behold.....
Maybe some men choose to play the role of the Alpha male for a while, in a one night stand or a short term passionate encounter, but it is NOT the way most men want to behave or to see themselves, when they are in a long term relationship.
Just like you, they want to live multi dimensional lives full with heart, soul, exploration, physical pleasures, sensitivity, creativity, and many more aspects of what constitutes a developed person and a wonderful life.
Men are human, sensitive, tender, kind, FEELING beings, who usually do not have excessive sexual craving — day in and day out.
If we redefine our expectations, and do not expect our partners to fulfill our insecurities, we may find that what works for us, is engaging in masturbation in combination with occasional, but very enjoyable sexual encounters with our partner.....
Hey, remember that it is YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND BOTH OF YOU MAKE THE RULES!!!!
So after we looked at the erroneous assumptions that may lead to a sexual freeze in a relationship, let's look at some ideas on how to unfreeze....
People say mindlessly, that in a long term relationship, couples start to take each other 'for granted.'
Moreover, that you might start taking YOURSELF for granted also... You forget your own attractiveness and you put aside your charm, your wit, your needs, your fun side.
That you turn to your partner with unrealistic expectations of completion, and fulfillment, while neglecting your own needs, rights, and soul quest.
But I never liked slogans........what does taking each other 'For Granted' really mean?.....
The very first thing that comes to my mind... Is that couples stop flirting.
When you were dating, you flirted often.
You paid one another attention, made eye contact with adoration, listened attentively and gave one another sweet compliments.
You looked for what is charming in your partner and you looked for something you loved in what they've said...
You've made each other laugh and overall used many flirting techniques that promoted mutual attraction.
In a long term relationships, people stop doing this, and that sweet energy of flirtation, simply evaporated... Taking with it all the benefits that flirting brings.
Flirting requires a carefree heart.
It promotes in you sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.
Flirting is a gift of generosity of heart, that we give to each other.
Flirting is like a gentle touch.... A foreplay..... Done with humor, smiles or words... It is titillation, which is stimulating and exciting.
If you view yourself as married, and therefore NOT allowed to flirt with anyone but your own partner, you will soon end up forgetting how to flirt even with your partner, and you will be neglecting an important side of yourself..... And you will resent it.
Flirting with your partner, is a foreplay.... But it is much more...
Flirting with others, can be harmless and fun, and it can benefit those involved.
If you are not married to a cave man, who is blind with jealously or holds outdated concepts of what constitutes a love relationship, you should be able to enjoy flirting with others, and reap the benefits for your own self esteem, for your relationship and your social interaction skills.
Flirting with a stranger can be a very rewarding and even a selfless act, but make sure to use good judgement.
Flirting can lift up someone's mood after a crummy day....
Flirting done with humor, sincerity or with a well-timed genuine compliment, can add to someone self esteem, or increase their sense of joy,.....
In a strong marriage, a little non-threatening competition, brought about by flirting with others, can increase the couple's passion, leading to better sex, more fulfilling conversations, and even add a touch of mystery.
Flirting with others, may give you much needed practice, making you better at flirting with your own husband, which can really lead only to good things....
Of course when flirting with others, be aware if things get weird.....
If someone gives you the creeps, or otherwise behaves in a way that makes you feel unpleasant...... If it happens, end the interaction there.
Make sure that any harmless flirting doesn't turn into a complication, or a major situation.... since you are already committed to someone else.....
Do not force it or try to do it on demand... Just rekindle the feelings of a light heart from within yourself... And remember how good it feels.... Allow it to flow naturally and do not block it when it comes to you naturally.
You may find out that not everyone will be game... Some people are puritans and set in their traditional ways...
Flirting that is done with like minded people, and in the spirit of fun and harmlessness.... will help you to remember your own charm and attractiveness.... go ahead and do have fun with it!
I would like to end this note by saying that this is my 2 cents advice... On how to rekindle your sex life...
But I have spent hours in a cafe writing this...... and gazing into space for even longer periods of time.... Trying to come up with ideas.....
I also spent at east twenty dollars on coffees, muffin and teas.... So I guess it will be more correct to say.... That these are my New Year thoughts... Presented to ya, for your consideration...
Peace to ya......
But research shows that around 20 million marriages, and long term relationships in the USA, are without sex, or passionate intimacy.
Twenty percent of couples have sex 10 times per year or less.
Some couples do not just stop having sex, but also stop touching, hugging or kissing one another. (most do not engage in French kissing any more)
A number of couples rarely say, “I love you,” and many feel lonely and isolated within their relationships.
I sit to reflect on the subject with the hope of coming up with some perspective on the issue.... I have tried the ideas that I plan to present here, and they worked for me.
There are the obvious reasons that long term couples stop having sex, but those obvious reasons, usually lead to divorce.
There is the lack of compatibility, lack of heart connection and lack of respect for each other, brought about by observing one another as we go through life, and finding the other lacking....
There is the unwillingness to listen and to love one another through personal struggles and emotional difficulties....
Becoming attracted to someone else....
Selfishness or being too self centered in a manner that leaves the other feeling unheard, unloved and not considered.....
There is lack of patience....lack of physical attraction or partners that use sex as a manipulation tactic.
I will attempt to reflect out loud in this note, ONLY on the relationships that seem to work very well.
These relationships are full of love, support and adoration for each other, but somehow.... The couple do not seem to find the time or the stamina required to have sex.
Some will say cynically, that if you ask a married couple what is the main cause for their sexless relationships.... They will use one word: "kids".
But I am not convinced that kids are actually a buzz killer and the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
Many couples with no kids, or with grown kids who left the house years ago, still abstain from sex.
There is the issue that many adults simply forgot how to play.
Sex requires an amount of playfulness, and people who are too serious, or engage in stressful careers (like doctors, lawyers, etc), or simply over burden themselves with worries, are not in touch with their authentic selves.....
Our authentic self is naturally playful, and humorous.... soft and ready for fun.
Some adults need to remember how much fun it is to play......
Bringing fun into your life is required in many aspects of your life....
It is also essential in creativity, in promoting inner peace and in cultivating a carefree mind.... give yourself permission to be silly, unproductive and playful.
There is the issue of roles.
This is another major issue that needs to be looked at in ALL areas of your life.
Do NOT get stuck in a stifling role, and do not allow others to lock you in a role that does not fit you, only because they want to see you in it.
To put it in blunt and simple words, do not be locked into the role of only being a "mother"... If your husband calls you Mom... Or Mommy..... He is not likely to desire to fuck you, later that night....
To him, your role as a mother to his children, does not have time zones....
For your husband, you should be a wife, a lover, a partner, an equal, a friend, etc...
His own mother, IS his mother, NOT you.
You are a mother to your children.
Using words may sound harmless at first, but with time, they take roots in the subconscious and become a reality.
Back to roles, it is important to remember that we are complex beings with many facets and operating forces inside us.
We have inside of us, an inner child, a higher self, a playful sexual bunny (or stud), an educator, a moral navigator, an adventurer, an artist, a poet, an ambitious side, a loser side who always shakes our confidence, believes in dispiriting ideas, and many more....
Like every problem, the solution is hidden in the wrong concepts that we hold to begin with...
You may want to ask yourself, how much sex is "good" to enjoy, in your relationship.......
NOT what OTHERS are doing, or what you imagine to be 'normal'......
The answer to this will vary from couple to couple, and will change during your life, as you go through a change of circumstances.
For example, if your partner got a wonderful work assignment overseas, and you will not be able to see one another for months, do not get down hearted over the fact that you will have to abstain from sex, (except with yourself), for awhile....
It is what life's circumstances dictate now.
If you see your partner only on weekends, do not expect to have sex on EVERY weekend.
There may be times when your partner will feel moody and unsexy... All these are to be expected and are very normal.
Another common mistake women do, is to believe that men are sex mad...always ready to score and are always hungry for sex.
Contrary to media portrayals, and lies you may have been hearing since childhood, men are not always ready to go at it like rabbits anytime, anywhere.
Men are not in a chronic state of heat.....
The vision that some women hold of the Alpha male, dominating and ready to take you on demand, after ruthlessly ripping off your panties.... Is NOT a healthy concept to behold.....
Maybe some men choose to play the role of the Alpha male for a while, in a one night stand or a short term passionate encounter, but it is NOT the way most men want to behave or to see themselves, when they are in a long term relationship.
Just like you, they want to live multi dimensional lives full with heart, soul, exploration, physical pleasures, sensitivity, creativity, and many more aspects of what constitutes a developed person and a wonderful life.
Men are human, sensitive, tender, kind, FEELING beings, who usually do not have excessive sexual craving — day in and day out.
If we redefine our expectations, and do not expect our partners to fulfill our insecurities, we may find that what works for us, is engaging in masturbation in combination with occasional, but very enjoyable sexual encounters with our partner.....
Hey, remember that it is YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND BOTH OF YOU MAKE THE RULES!!!!
So after we looked at the erroneous assumptions that may lead to a sexual freeze in a relationship, let's look at some ideas on how to unfreeze....
People say mindlessly, that in a long term relationship, couples start to take each other 'for granted.'
Moreover, that you might start taking YOURSELF for granted also... You forget your own attractiveness and you put aside your charm, your wit, your needs, your fun side.
That you turn to your partner with unrealistic expectations of completion, and fulfillment, while neglecting your own needs, rights, and soul quest.
But I never liked slogans........what does taking each other 'For Granted' really mean?.....
The very first thing that comes to my mind... Is that couples stop flirting.
When you were dating, you flirted often.
You paid one another attention, made eye contact with adoration, listened attentively and gave one another sweet compliments.
You looked for what is charming in your partner and you looked for something you loved in what they've said...
You've made each other laugh and overall used many flirting techniques that promoted mutual attraction.
In a long term relationships, people stop doing this, and that sweet energy of flirtation, simply evaporated... Taking with it all the benefits that flirting brings.
Flirting requires a carefree heart.
It promotes in you sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.
Flirting is a gift of generosity of heart, that we give to each other.
Flirting is like a gentle touch.... A foreplay..... Done with humor, smiles or words... It is titillation, which is stimulating and exciting.
If you view yourself as married, and therefore NOT allowed to flirt with anyone but your own partner, you will soon end up forgetting how to flirt even with your partner, and you will be neglecting an important side of yourself..... And you will resent it.
Flirting with your partner, is a foreplay.... But it is much more...
Flirting with others, can be harmless and fun, and it can benefit those involved.
If you are not married to a cave man, who is blind with jealously or holds outdated concepts of what constitutes a love relationship, you should be able to enjoy flirting with others, and reap the benefits for your own self esteem, for your relationship and your social interaction skills.
Flirting with a stranger can be a very rewarding and even a selfless act, but make sure to use good judgement.
Flirting can lift up someone's mood after a crummy day....
Flirting done with humor, sincerity or with a well-timed genuine compliment, can add to someone self esteem, or increase their sense of joy,.....
In a strong marriage, a little non-threatening competition, brought about by flirting with others, can increase the couple's passion, leading to better sex, more fulfilling conversations, and even add a touch of mystery.
Flirting with others, may give you much needed practice, making you better at flirting with your own husband, which can really lead only to good things....
Of course when flirting with others, be aware if things get weird.....
If someone gives you the creeps, or otherwise behaves in a way that makes you feel unpleasant...... If it happens, end the interaction there.
Make sure that any harmless flirting doesn't turn into a complication, or a major situation.... since you are already committed to someone else.....
Do not force it or try to do it on demand... Just rekindle the feelings of a light heart from within yourself... And remember how good it feels.... Allow it to flow naturally and do not block it when it comes to you naturally.
You may find out that not everyone will be game... Some people are puritans and set in their traditional ways...
Flirting that is done with like minded people, and in the spirit of fun and harmlessness.... will help you to remember your own charm and attractiveness.... go ahead and do have fun with it!
I would like to end this note by saying that this is my 2 cents advice... On how to rekindle your sex life...
But I have spent hours in a cafe writing this...... and gazing into space for even longer periods of time.... Trying to come up with ideas.....
I also spent at east twenty dollars on coffees, muffin and teas.... So I guess it will be more correct to say.... That these are my New Year thoughts... Presented to ya, for your consideration...
Peace to ya......
