Reflections about nuclear, enabling and destructive relationships......
The holidays are usually times for family gatherings.
It brings to my mind reflections on why I chose to live far away from my own family.....and mostly felt happy and resolved about it.
I first heard about the concept of 'enabling,' many years ago, in connection with pain and motives for alcohol and drug addictions.
But upon reflection, I recognized how the same concepts apply to a broader range of human sufferings and how it stands at the core of many bad relationships and stagnant situations, that prevents people from growing and becoming whole.
To put it in blunt words; "If everybody loved you, when you are an asshole, you are NOT likely to change....but you are likely to stay an asshole."
If nobody points out to anyone else, that a certain behavior is bigoted, inappropriate or rude, we lack the mirrors needed for seeing what we do wrong.
Now...saying this.. I am VERY aware that people will point to you what THEY think you are doing wrong, based on their concepts of morals, religious beliefs and pre- conditioning,........ but this is NOT what I am referring to here.
I am talking about not becoming an enabler and providing support and approval, when both of you know deep down, that what is being done, is wrong.
If everyone knows that what you do is wrong but they love and accept you despite your behavior anyway, you are not likely to develop the desire to change.
To put it in other words; if people think that you are fabulously entertaining, when you are drunk, you are likely to want to keep on drinking and entertain everyone.
It is seen clearly in families, when a child wants to go away for studies or to pursue a dream, but is handed a major guilt trip by her parents or siblings, who really do not care so much about her wellbeing, happiness and joy, but are more concerned about keeping her/ him around, for company, help or support.
Not all families are nuclear and enabling.
But some dysfunctional families do that all the time and without even being aware of it.
The Mafia, is a very good and obvious example of a dysfunctional nuclear family.
Everybody knows that everyone else is a criminal, but the power of one another's approval and the fact that everyone watches each other's back, makes it all cozy and OK for them to continue.
But the Mafia is indeed a too obvious of an example.
Many married couples and seemingly 'good' families, do it all the time also.
In Nuclear families, the emphasis is on the UNIT and its preservation.
On keeping the family together.
On never airing openly the 'family secrets'..... Like the fact that uncle N is a child molester.... That papa is a brute drunk..... and that Sis is a rageaholic...
A nuclear family is NOT concerned with the happiness and well being of its INDIVIDUAL members, but with the existence, continuation and public presentation of the family unit.
These kinds of families, usually lock their members into roles and any attempt to grow or change, on the individual part, is usually seen as a threat and is faced with resistance.
Change, which is so essential to the happiness and inner freedom of an individual, is hard to do, in a dysfunctional family.
This is because if you choose to change your role, all the others needs to shift along with you, in order to restore the family's balance.
It may seem like being assigned the role of the clown, in the family, is no big deal.
What harm can be done if Peter is the clown in the family, while Stephen is know as the brain in the family?...
The problem happens when Peter is going through some rough times and does not feel like being so funny.... Because he is aching so much...
Nobody wants to really hear about it, or is equipped to deal with it,....... because in THIS family, ONLY mama, gets to be the suffering drama queen.....and everyone knows what to say to calm mama down, or how to handle her..... But If anyone else is hurting, nobody knows how to deal with it....
It happen in couples all the time also.
It is part of the expectations that many people holds.
Some people believe that 'real love,' is simply accepting the other for who he is, good and bad, sweet and bullshit..... Period..... no pointing out faults, no pushing for change, no hoping for growth.... No questions asked.
I will give you an example from my own life.
Many years ago when my husband and I were only dating, he flew to Illinois to do an art show with me.
My husband is wired differently than I am.
While I like to walk slow, drive slow and move through life with ease and much reflection, my husband loves speed and at that time in his life, he was not very patient.
While driving, he pulled out of a mall's parking lot, and merged into traffic, a little too fast for my taste.
It was obvious to me, that he gave the lady behind us, a fright.
But he was totally unaware of it.
The lady driving behind us, caught up with us in the traffic light, pulled alongside us and signaled to my husband to lower his window.
She was obviously a well spoken Indian woman, bespectacled and dressed in a Sari.
She was agitated and spoke with a stern voice laced with anger, but with outmost respect.
She pointed to her young daughter, sited next to her, and she said: "Sir, my daughter is currently learning to drive, and you are most certainly NOT setting a good example for her, of how a good driver should drive!"
She went on to mention how Jules pulled into traffic too abruptly, despite the fact that she was obviously approaching fast, and how if she was not paying attention, an accident could have happened.... And that she does not understand why was he in such a hurry..........after all, we all met in the traffic light anyway....
Now....
I listened to her and thought to myself, that she was absolutely right on.......
I agreed with every word she spoke, and I LOVED that scenario,........ because it was the first time in my life, that I saw anyone "yell" at another with so much politeness and accuracy.
I looked at Jules to see how he would react.
I KNEW, inside myself, that if he would be rude to her, or yell at her in anger, I would never marry him...
Jules did not yell at her.....
He said: "OK....I am Sooooo-rrryyyyyyy" and he rolled up his window.
But after she drove away, he looked at me, wordlessly...... looking for sympathy.....
He gave me a silent look, saying "can you believe this ?????!".....
But my heart and mind were with that elegant Indian lady, who spoke the truth and was so right....
I could have offered him sympathy, like so many couples do all the time.
I see it over and over again, when I am in other people's cars and someone is doing something wrong and the other driver respond, and how everyone offers support to the driver in THEIR car, regardless of who was wrong and who was right....
I chose not to be an enabler.... I said to Jules that I thought that the lady was right.... That he did not drive with respect for others and with a consideration for the wellbeing of all....
I always choose NOT to be an enabler.
It goes very well with Jules now, after years of marriage.
When I point out his wrong doings, he calls it "corrective bashing" and always take it with a smile, because he knows how much I care about the truth, and about his growth and ultimately his real happiness.
I do NOT stroke his ego..... But care deeply about his soul and spirit.
But encounters with friends, still showed me that some people are NOT interested in the truth or in personal growth....they want nothing to do with the truth or with enlightenment..... They want to be told that they are right.... In EVERY situation.
I asked my inner guides... Why is that so?
Why people rather be wrong, but accepted and loved, than to correct their behavior and not need other people's approval?
A picture came to my mind almost instantaneously.
It was a scene from a documentary I once saw about penguins.
It followed them as they survived one of the harshest winters in Antarctica.
The recorded temperatures were −80 °C (−112 °F), but it was said that with the wind, it was even colder.
The penguins huddled together in a group of thousands....pushing against one another........ Pressing body to body, in an expanded circle..... Closely touching to provide warmth.
Occasionally, the penguins from the outer circle, would come to the center of the circle....... Where it was said, that temperatures could reach as warm as + 15 °C (60 °F)
The ones on the outer circle, many times just froze to death...
I am not sure....
But I do wonder that maybe like the penguins.... In order to survive in a seemingly cold world, we feel that we need to huddle together and warm ourselves in each other's approval?.....
Maybe it is an adopted survival mechanism of our societies, countries, political organizations, families, couples and friendships........ That in order to exist, we feel we need to love and to approve of one another's even if we are fully aware of each other's wrong doings and limited thinking?........
It brings to my mind reflections on why I chose to live far away from my own family.....and mostly felt happy and resolved about it.
I first heard about the concept of 'enabling,' many years ago, in connection with pain and motives for alcohol and drug addictions.
But upon reflection, I recognized how the same concepts apply to a broader range of human sufferings and how it stands at the core of many bad relationships and stagnant situations, that prevents people from growing and becoming whole.
To put it in blunt words; "If everybody loved you, when you are an asshole, you are NOT likely to change....but you are likely to stay an asshole."
If nobody points out to anyone else, that a certain behavior is bigoted, inappropriate or rude, we lack the mirrors needed for seeing what we do wrong.
Now...saying this.. I am VERY aware that people will point to you what THEY think you are doing wrong, based on their concepts of morals, religious beliefs and pre- conditioning,........ but this is NOT what I am referring to here.
I am talking about not becoming an enabler and providing support and approval, when both of you know deep down, that what is being done, is wrong.
If everyone knows that what you do is wrong but they love and accept you despite your behavior anyway, you are not likely to develop the desire to change.
To put it in other words; if people think that you are fabulously entertaining, when you are drunk, you are likely to want to keep on drinking and entertain everyone.
It is seen clearly in families, when a child wants to go away for studies or to pursue a dream, but is handed a major guilt trip by her parents or siblings, who really do not care so much about her wellbeing, happiness and joy, but are more concerned about keeping her/ him around, for company, help or support.
Not all families are nuclear and enabling.
But some dysfunctional families do that all the time and without even being aware of it.
The Mafia, is a very good and obvious example of a dysfunctional nuclear family.
Everybody knows that everyone else is a criminal, but the power of one another's approval and the fact that everyone watches each other's back, makes it all cozy and OK for them to continue.
But the Mafia is indeed a too obvious of an example.
Many married couples and seemingly 'good' families, do it all the time also.
In Nuclear families, the emphasis is on the UNIT and its preservation.
On keeping the family together.
On never airing openly the 'family secrets'..... Like the fact that uncle N is a child molester.... That papa is a brute drunk..... and that Sis is a rageaholic...
A nuclear family is NOT concerned with the happiness and well being of its INDIVIDUAL members, but with the existence, continuation and public presentation of the family unit.
These kinds of families, usually lock their members into roles and any attempt to grow or change, on the individual part, is usually seen as a threat and is faced with resistance.
Change, which is so essential to the happiness and inner freedom of an individual, is hard to do, in a dysfunctional family.
This is because if you choose to change your role, all the others needs to shift along with you, in order to restore the family's balance.
It may seem like being assigned the role of the clown, in the family, is no big deal.
What harm can be done if Peter is the clown in the family, while Stephen is know as the brain in the family?...
The problem happens when Peter is going through some rough times and does not feel like being so funny.... Because he is aching so much...
Nobody wants to really hear about it, or is equipped to deal with it,....... because in THIS family, ONLY mama, gets to be the suffering drama queen.....and everyone knows what to say to calm mama down, or how to handle her..... But If anyone else is hurting, nobody knows how to deal with it....
It happen in couples all the time also.
It is part of the expectations that many people holds.
Some people believe that 'real love,' is simply accepting the other for who he is, good and bad, sweet and bullshit..... Period..... no pointing out faults, no pushing for change, no hoping for growth.... No questions asked.
I will give you an example from my own life.
Many years ago when my husband and I were only dating, he flew to Illinois to do an art show with me.
My husband is wired differently than I am.
While I like to walk slow, drive slow and move through life with ease and much reflection, my husband loves speed and at that time in his life, he was not very patient.
While driving, he pulled out of a mall's parking lot, and merged into traffic, a little too fast for my taste.
It was obvious to me, that he gave the lady behind us, a fright.
But he was totally unaware of it.
The lady driving behind us, caught up with us in the traffic light, pulled alongside us and signaled to my husband to lower his window.
She was obviously a well spoken Indian woman, bespectacled and dressed in a Sari.
She was agitated and spoke with a stern voice laced with anger, but with outmost respect.
She pointed to her young daughter, sited next to her, and she said: "Sir, my daughter is currently learning to drive, and you are most certainly NOT setting a good example for her, of how a good driver should drive!"
She went on to mention how Jules pulled into traffic too abruptly, despite the fact that she was obviously approaching fast, and how if she was not paying attention, an accident could have happened.... And that she does not understand why was he in such a hurry..........after all, we all met in the traffic light anyway....
Now....
I listened to her and thought to myself, that she was absolutely right on.......
I agreed with every word she spoke, and I LOVED that scenario,........ because it was the first time in my life, that I saw anyone "yell" at another with so much politeness and accuracy.
I looked at Jules to see how he would react.
I KNEW, inside myself, that if he would be rude to her, or yell at her in anger, I would never marry him...
Jules did not yell at her.....
He said: "OK....I am Sooooo-rrryyyyyyy" and he rolled up his window.
But after she drove away, he looked at me, wordlessly...... looking for sympathy.....
He gave me a silent look, saying "can you believe this ?????!".....
But my heart and mind were with that elegant Indian lady, who spoke the truth and was so right....
I could have offered him sympathy, like so many couples do all the time.
I see it over and over again, when I am in other people's cars and someone is doing something wrong and the other driver respond, and how everyone offers support to the driver in THEIR car, regardless of who was wrong and who was right....
I chose not to be an enabler.... I said to Jules that I thought that the lady was right.... That he did not drive with respect for others and with a consideration for the wellbeing of all....
I always choose NOT to be an enabler.
It goes very well with Jules now, after years of marriage.
When I point out his wrong doings, he calls it "corrective bashing" and always take it with a smile, because he knows how much I care about the truth, and about his growth and ultimately his real happiness.
I do NOT stroke his ego..... But care deeply about his soul and spirit.
But encounters with friends, still showed me that some people are NOT interested in the truth or in personal growth....they want nothing to do with the truth or with enlightenment..... They want to be told that they are right.... In EVERY situation.
I asked my inner guides... Why is that so?
Why people rather be wrong, but accepted and loved, than to correct their behavior and not need other people's approval?
A picture came to my mind almost instantaneously.
It was a scene from a documentary I once saw about penguins.
It followed them as they survived one of the harshest winters in Antarctica.
The recorded temperatures were −80 °C (−112 °F), but it was said that with the wind, it was even colder.
The penguins huddled together in a group of thousands....pushing against one another........ Pressing body to body, in an expanded circle..... Closely touching to provide warmth.
Occasionally, the penguins from the outer circle, would come to the center of the circle....... Where it was said, that temperatures could reach as warm as + 15 °C (60 °F)
The ones on the outer circle, many times just froze to death...
I am not sure....
But I do wonder that maybe like the penguins.... In order to survive in a seemingly cold world, we feel that we need to huddle together and warm ourselves in each other's approval?.....
Maybe it is an adopted survival mechanism of our societies, countries, political organizations, families, couples and friendships........ That in order to exist, we feel we need to love and to approve of one another's even if we are fully aware of each other's wrong doings and limited thinking?........
