The fear of success... do you have it in you?
I am laying on my my back, on a yoga mat.
We've just finish a great yoga class, and it is relaxation time.
My eyes are tearing uncontrollably.
I am not sobbing, it is a silent cry.
My heart is aching and the tears are freely streaming from my eyes, down into my ears...... they roll into my hair and soak into my yoga mat.
The heaviness I have been carrying inside for weeks, is being released now.
The voice of reason, is telling me to relax and get a grip...
But the pain feels unbearable....
It was being released during the yoga movements in the class, and now.......it feels like a burst pipe....
The pain feels almost physical, but I can spot it by its tone..... It is my ego..... whining to me....
It is telling me that it stings like a bee and it feels so unjust....
I hear my ego's voice inside of me crying: "How could this have happened?
I ONLY tried to help.... I had NOT one selfish motive here..... I wanted to be kind and to help lift up a person who seemed to be so lost.....
I did NOT need him or this bullshit in my life...
Why did I bring this onto myself?
Why have I exposed myself to this kind of experiences and the pain they've brought me?
How could I have been so stupid, as to put myself voluntarily, in a situation of being threatened in my own home, judged so badly, misunderstood, being taken advantage of this way?.....
Why was I so stupid as to bring him into my life?
Into My home?
Into my environment?
(The voice is getting nasty now...)
"I do NOT deserve to be held in this light....
How could I have been SO wrong?
Where was my intuition?
Where were my protecting higher guides who always keep me from harm?....
Who always whisper in my ears?....
Six weeks? Why did I suffer this for six weeks?
I could've invited him for only two weeks.... Should have asked him to leave when it got unbearable....
Six weeks of paying to bring a stranger to live in my home... Why must I do everything so intensely....
Stupid, stupid me...."
The voice of reason wants me to relax.... To listen to the soothing voice of the yoga teacher who is guiding us in meditation..... and to stay in the classroom where my body is laying NOW....
After all, that man left a week ago... He is gone now, and I have my life back... My space...... It is telling me to Relax....Relax....Relax....
A side of me knows that it is important for me to allow myself to feel 'my' feelings.... (well, they are my ego's feelings)......Whatever they may be........to be honest with what I am actually feeling, and not to tell myself what I Shoulda... Coulda.... Woulda.... Feel.....
Not to reproach myself..... But to go through the pain.... There MUST be a light through this tunnel.....
But listening to my feelings, feels so painful... It feels like I am drowning in an ocean of tears.... They pour out so easily... My chest feels so heavy....
"Take a breath!" I hear a voice speak softly inside me....
"Tali Dear, you KNOW that he did NOT DO ANYTHING that justify this level of pain.... He may have been hurtful unintentionally, and only understood you based on HIS level of understanding....but he was not that bad... He is just a kid.... Not mean or hurtful at all..... a child of LIFE.... a brother....
Let's try to go to the source of this.... Let's isolate the feelings one by one.... Tell me about the first one...."
It comes to my mind like a shot from a cannon.......the answer is right there in front of me.
"I felt judged for being wealthy... by this angry man who I brought into my life...
Which I saw as a friend...."
"Ahaaa...." (Says the voice of reason,) "The almighty fear of success....."
My ego is quick to respond:
"What fear of success? what is this bullshit?
I was talking about being misunderstood as if I am NOT a person, but a purse...
It all started with an offer of love and friendship... And it turned into shit....
If Jules and I were really these world dominators, cruel hearted money grabbing 'sons 'o bitches,' that he wanted to see us as.......would we pay to invite him to our home and lives?
Would we attempt to show him another life? Encourage him to write? Help him to submit his work for publishing?..... Help him speak out his poetry, listen and offer support?
Or would we let the him stay and dwell in his misery?
How come this logic did not add up in his mind?
How come it did not occur to him that he may be misreading situations one by one?...
I simply gave up finally........ on trying to explain....I got exhausted....."
The voice is persistent:
"But darling girl, what I am hearing here, is that you are saying, that if you were also a struggling artist and a starving poet, (like you were most of your life) that he could have related to you more easily....
That if Jules stayed the penniless broker that only provided SERVICES to others, like he was for most of his career, that nobody would have hated him also...
But somewhere along your combined path.... You decided to stop struggling, and to claim abundance for yourselves....and now, you had to deal with facing the fear of success... Face to face...
Humor me here darling.... can you remember the FIRST time you felt the fear of success?"
I must admit that I do remember it very clearly...
All my life, I have known very well, the disappointment of failure.
From a very young age, I've learnt how bitter it tasted to lose in swimming competitions, to get bad grades, to be punished for not successfully completing a task, to be less than.... and I carried those uncomfortable but familiar feelings, inside myself all my life.
But I've never experienced the range of emotions that accompany the fear of success until later in my life.
Most of my life, I was not ready for success.
When I did experience the fear of success, it felt more terrifying than failure.....
It was a busy night in my restaurant.
We were very short on staff and I needed to work in the kitchen with my chef.
Nobody else showed up for work in the kitchen.
The restaurant was full to capacity.
Every chair and every table were taken.
The chef and I were in 'the zone'... We washed dishes, cooked, prepared the dishes and operated in total sync and harmony.
It was as if I could guess what he needed, even though I was not even looking at him, but was busy with my own preps and plating.
The waitresses were sticking their heads through the kitchen's window, telling us that it is all going good.. People are LOVING their food, nothing is cold, or over cooked, everyone is very happy...
The hostess told me that people are actually asking about me... About the owner... But she told them I was busy in the kitchen, and I will only be able to go out for a chat, after everyone was served.
She said that people who finished their meals, are sticking around to shake my hand...
I finally got out of the kitchen by midnight, flashed, frayed and frazzled
People shook my hand and complimented me again and again...
By then, I already learnt not to fend off compliments,... As most people do.
You must know this.... How people have to learn to accept compliments?....
Is it familiar to you?
When someone compliments your dress, do love it? or do you say "what, this old thing? I got it at the Op shop... Or, "I had it forever...."
Or when someone compliments your hair or says how good you look, do you look at them to see if they are being cynical or sincere....?
Suddenly as if on cue, all of the diners in the packed restaurant, got to their feet and started clapping their hands enthusiastically....... Clapping for ME...
I started mumbling that I couldn't have done it without my chef and all the staff.... The waitresses and host....
But what surprised me most, was how BAD I FELT.
I did not glow in the compliments... Instead, I felt as if I wanted to DIE....
Or at least to evaporate from the room.... Anything to make them stop clapping....
Later, running this scenario in my mind again and again, I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was experiencing, on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL, my fears of success...
Now, in this stage of my life, after claiming my own rights to be wealthy, I can clearly see that people have negative ideas about money, ingrained into their psyche.
There are the interpretations of the bible, the communist and the socialist ideas of never owning private property, or sharing all with all equally.
In China, during the cultural revolution, if your family owned even a tiny piece of land, you would be categorize as 'Bourgeois' and sent for reeducation.
In the 60's, the concept of having money got associated with corruption and corporate greed and some people still carry these misguided old fashion ideas, that obtaining wealth is associated with corruption or loss of ethics.
It is NOT common to believe, that success and wealth, can result from hard work, calculated spendings, divine guidance and smart saving and investing.
The people who holds these negative attitudes about success, are MORE OBSESSED with money, than people who actually have some.
They are consumed with their lack of it, and are not as free to pursue their soul's joys.....
They are too obsessed with paying the bills and making ends meet.
The yoga teacher is urging us now to roll over on our right sides...
The relaxation is over and I notice that my tears are dry.... Good!
I would feel terrible to tear in front of everyone....
I sit with my hands in mudra, my thumbs and middle fingers are touching now, my legs are folded under me....
I take a deep breathe and chant with the rest of the class......
OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM...........
"This is why people do not go for their dreams...." (whispers the voice of reason in my mind...)
"It is a double whammy.....
If you succeed, you have to deal with prejudice, criticism and jealousy....
And if you fail.... You do not even have a dream to carry you through the days....
People fear that going for their dreams may mean that they have tried..... and failed...... And Now what?"
I listen to the voice and ponder....
"Is it better to be a closet poet or writer....
And to at least feel that you have a dream?... A goal to look forwards to?... Something to hope for?...."
We've just finish a great yoga class, and it is relaxation time.
My eyes are tearing uncontrollably.
I am not sobbing, it is a silent cry.
My heart is aching and the tears are freely streaming from my eyes, down into my ears...... they roll into my hair and soak into my yoga mat.
The heaviness I have been carrying inside for weeks, is being released now.
The voice of reason, is telling me to relax and get a grip...
But the pain feels unbearable....
It was being released during the yoga movements in the class, and now.......it feels like a burst pipe....
The pain feels almost physical, but I can spot it by its tone..... It is my ego..... whining to me....
It is telling me that it stings like a bee and it feels so unjust....
I hear my ego's voice inside of me crying: "How could this have happened?
I ONLY tried to help.... I had NOT one selfish motive here..... I wanted to be kind and to help lift up a person who seemed to be so lost.....
I did NOT need him or this bullshit in my life...
Why did I bring this onto myself?
Why have I exposed myself to this kind of experiences and the pain they've brought me?
How could I have been so stupid, as to put myself voluntarily, in a situation of being threatened in my own home, judged so badly, misunderstood, being taken advantage of this way?.....
Why was I so stupid as to bring him into my life?
Into My home?
Into my environment?
(The voice is getting nasty now...)
"I do NOT deserve to be held in this light....
How could I have been SO wrong?
Where was my intuition?
Where were my protecting higher guides who always keep me from harm?....
Who always whisper in my ears?....
Six weeks? Why did I suffer this for six weeks?
I could've invited him for only two weeks.... Should have asked him to leave when it got unbearable....
Six weeks of paying to bring a stranger to live in my home... Why must I do everything so intensely....
Stupid, stupid me...."
The voice of reason wants me to relax.... To listen to the soothing voice of the yoga teacher who is guiding us in meditation..... and to stay in the classroom where my body is laying NOW....
After all, that man left a week ago... He is gone now, and I have my life back... My space...... It is telling me to Relax....Relax....Relax....
A side of me knows that it is important for me to allow myself to feel 'my' feelings.... (well, they are my ego's feelings)......Whatever they may be........to be honest with what I am actually feeling, and not to tell myself what I Shoulda... Coulda.... Woulda.... Feel.....
Not to reproach myself..... But to go through the pain.... There MUST be a light through this tunnel.....
But listening to my feelings, feels so painful... It feels like I am drowning in an ocean of tears.... They pour out so easily... My chest feels so heavy....
"Take a breath!" I hear a voice speak softly inside me....
"Tali Dear, you KNOW that he did NOT DO ANYTHING that justify this level of pain.... He may have been hurtful unintentionally, and only understood you based on HIS level of understanding....but he was not that bad... He is just a kid.... Not mean or hurtful at all..... a child of LIFE.... a brother....
Let's try to go to the source of this.... Let's isolate the feelings one by one.... Tell me about the first one...."
It comes to my mind like a shot from a cannon.......the answer is right there in front of me.
"I felt judged for being wealthy... by this angry man who I brought into my life...
Which I saw as a friend...."
"Ahaaa...." (Says the voice of reason,) "The almighty fear of success....."
My ego is quick to respond:
"What fear of success? what is this bullshit?
I was talking about being misunderstood as if I am NOT a person, but a purse...
It all started with an offer of love and friendship... And it turned into shit....
If Jules and I were really these world dominators, cruel hearted money grabbing 'sons 'o bitches,' that he wanted to see us as.......would we pay to invite him to our home and lives?
Would we attempt to show him another life? Encourage him to write? Help him to submit his work for publishing?..... Help him speak out his poetry, listen and offer support?
Or would we let the him stay and dwell in his misery?
How come this logic did not add up in his mind?
How come it did not occur to him that he may be misreading situations one by one?...
I simply gave up finally........ on trying to explain....I got exhausted....."
The voice is persistent:
"But darling girl, what I am hearing here, is that you are saying, that if you were also a struggling artist and a starving poet, (like you were most of your life) that he could have related to you more easily....
That if Jules stayed the penniless broker that only provided SERVICES to others, like he was for most of his career, that nobody would have hated him also...
But somewhere along your combined path.... You decided to stop struggling, and to claim abundance for yourselves....and now, you had to deal with facing the fear of success... Face to face...
Humor me here darling.... can you remember the FIRST time you felt the fear of success?"
I must admit that I do remember it very clearly...
All my life, I have known very well, the disappointment of failure.
From a very young age, I've learnt how bitter it tasted to lose in swimming competitions, to get bad grades, to be punished for not successfully completing a task, to be less than.... and I carried those uncomfortable but familiar feelings, inside myself all my life.
But I've never experienced the range of emotions that accompany the fear of success until later in my life.
Most of my life, I was not ready for success.
When I did experience the fear of success, it felt more terrifying than failure.....
It was a busy night in my restaurant.
We were very short on staff and I needed to work in the kitchen with my chef.
Nobody else showed up for work in the kitchen.
The restaurant was full to capacity.
Every chair and every table were taken.
The chef and I were in 'the zone'... We washed dishes, cooked, prepared the dishes and operated in total sync and harmony.
It was as if I could guess what he needed, even though I was not even looking at him, but was busy with my own preps and plating.
The waitresses were sticking their heads through the kitchen's window, telling us that it is all going good.. People are LOVING their food, nothing is cold, or over cooked, everyone is very happy...
The hostess told me that people are actually asking about me... About the owner... But she told them I was busy in the kitchen, and I will only be able to go out for a chat, after everyone was served.
She said that people who finished their meals, are sticking around to shake my hand...
I finally got out of the kitchen by midnight, flashed, frayed and frazzled
People shook my hand and complimented me again and again...
By then, I already learnt not to fend off compliments,... As most people do.
You must know this.... How people have to learn to accept compliments?....
Is it familiar to you?
When someone compliments your dress, do love it? or do you say "what, this old thing? I got it at the Op shop... Or, "I had it forever...."
Or when someone compliments your hair or says how good you look, do you look at them to see if they are being cynical or sincere....?
Suddenly as if on cue, all of the diners in the packed restaurant, got to their feet and started clapping their hands enthusiastically....... Clapping for ME...
I started mumbling that I couldn't have done it without my chef and all the staff.... The waitresses and host....
But what surprised me most, was how BAD I FELT.
I did not glow in the compliments... Instead, I felt as if I wanted to DIE....
Or at least to evaporate from the room.... Anything to make them stop clapping....
Later, running this scenario in my mind again and again, I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was experiencing, on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL, my fears of success...
Now, in this stage of my life, after claiming my own rights to be wealthy, I can clearly see that people have negative ideas about money, ingrained into their psyche.
There are the interpretations of the bible, the communist and the socialist ideas of never owning private property, or sharing all with all equally.
In China, during the cultural revolution, if your family owned even a tiny piece of land, you would be categorize as 'Bourgeois' and sent for reeducation.
In the 60's, the concept of having money got associated with corruption and corporate greed and some people still carry these misguided old fashion ideas, that obtaining wealth is associated with corruption or loss of ethics.
It is NOT common to believe, that success and wealth, can result from hard work, calculated spendings, divine guidance and smart saving and investing.
The people who holds these negative attitudes about success, are MORE OBSESSED with money, than people who actually have some.
They are consumed with their lack of it, and are not as free to pursue their soul's joys.....
They are too obsessed with paying the bills and making ends meet.
The yoga teacher is urging us now to roll over on our right sides...
The relaxation is over and I notice that my tears are dry.... Good!
I would feel terrible to tear in front of everyone....
I sit with my hands in mudra, my thumbs and middle fingers are touching now, my legs are folded under me....
I take a deep breathe and chant with the rest of the class......
OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM...........
"This is why people do not go for their dreams...." (whispers the voice of reason in my mind...)
"It is a double whammy.....
If you succeed, you have to deal with prejudice, criticism and jealousy....
And if you fail.... You do not even have a dream to carry you through the days....
People fear that going for their dreams may mean that they have tried..... and failed...... And Now what?"
I listen to the voice and ponder....
"Is it better to be a closet poet or writer....
And to at least feel that you have a dream?... A goal to look forwards to?... Something to hope for?...."
