Encounters with my own mind....
It was a lovely afternoon, but the place had a sober and solemn feeling to it.
Nobody was here to have fun.
I felt my heart sink...
I was escorted to a small narrow cell with a small window, a single hard bed, and a shelf on which to place my toiletries and my handful of clothes.
What did not fit on this narrow shelf, had to be pushed under the small bed.
The mattress was really thin and offered no comfortable support from the hard wooden bed below it.
I was not allow to bring any books or other reading material, and no pen or notebooks were allowed.
It was late autumn and the nights were already getting very cold.
An inefficient electric heater, attached to the wall, was my sole source of heat.
There were nights, I was so cold, that if I was not totally exhausted and sleep deprived, I don't know how I would have fallen asleep.
I was not allowed any form of 'distraction' like music, an iPod, a mobile phone, or a lap top computer.
Men and women slept in separate quarters.
At the end of the female housing block, were the communal showers.
It was a humble structure with simple fittings, mildewed shower stalls and basic toilets.
Later, I will found out that all the work of constructing this place, was done by volunteers.
Food was strict vegetarian, but I was not allowed to eat any dinners.
The last meal of the day was to be eaten at noon.
After that, I was allowed some herbal tea, but nothing else.
I was forbidden to speak to the other inmates or to the guards
And... On top of all this........ I had to sign a paper, saying that I will NOT leave, before the end of the course....
I committed myself to follow all the programs, and to spend ten days in.......... Sitting meditation.
Yes... It was not really a prison, and the 'guards', where actually 'Group facilitators'.
This meditation retreat was a non-denomination, non-religious, non sectarian in nature, and it was not associated with any form of belief system or philosophy.
The schedule was grueling.
4:00 a.m. Morning wake-up bell rings, rush to brush your teeth, pee and dress in comfortable meditation clothing.
4:30-6:30 a.m. Meditate in Dharma Hall, try not to slip back into a sweet sleep, while sitting.
6:30-8:00 a.m. Breakfast break, morning shower.
8:00-9:00 a.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall, everyone must participate, even kitchen volunteers.
9:05-11:00 a.m. Meditate for 2 hours in Dharma Hall.. This is a hard one... Sit without a slight movement in meditation for two consecutive hours...
11:00 -12 noon Vegetarian Lunch break,..... I must admit the food was really tasty and wholesome.
12 noon – 1:00 p.m. Rest or go for a walk. No Yoga or major stretching were allowed.
1:00-2:30 p.m. Meditate in Dharma Hall, another mandatory meditation for everyone.
2:35-3:30 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
3:35-5:00 p.m. Another consecutive two hours meditation stretch.
5:00-6:00 p.m. Tea break, taken in silence
6:00-7:00 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
7:00-8:15 p.m. Teacher’s Discourse in Dharma Hall, listening to concepts and ideas about the meditation process.
8:15-9:00 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
9:00-9:30 p.m. Open Q&A session or go for a shower.
10:00 p.m. Light out
This schedule was observed very strictly.
Absolutely NO speaking was allowed, not even in sign language.
You were meant to be introspective and to listen to whatever was happening inside you.
Of course, A LOT, was happening inside of me.
I decided to do this meditation retreat, so I can dive deeper into the discipline of sitting alone with my emotions and exploring the depth of my own mind....... as well as attempting to tap into the Universal Mind and hoping to unite the two......
In the process of living life, I’ve observed people around me, and concluded that one of the MAIN reason some people are so unhappy and seem to be drifting about, was lack of inner discipline.
People have a hard time with the concept of discipline.
It brings to their minds, bad memories of harsh parents, unreasonable authority and religious figures, as well as sad memories of being forced to do what is against their grain and natural tendencies.
But discipline is a true blessing, if it comes from inside you... If it is done for your own benefit and is not imposed on you.
When I think of discipline, I do not envision adhering to someone else's ideas, but in living a life that is productive to your own mental and emotional well being.
In filtering out the nonsense and embracing WITH CONSISTENCY, what works for you and putting truth principals into practice, until they shows results in all aspect of your life and being.
People quit so easily... at the sign of hardships.... some fall apart so easily, and do not develop a strong spine that is needed to get things done in life and in relationships.
I love inner discipline, which I view as a strength of character, and I often go on fast days, just to learn to do without.... and to discipline by body to be less soft and less demanding.
I remember once a conversation I had with a girlfriend who was overweight for most of her life and extremely unhappy about it.
She constantly hated herself.......
She mentioned that she lacked the ability to keep to a program, even one that SHE chose, and that it was damaging her own self esteem.
She viewed herself as a failure and as a person who starts things with zeal, but gives up too soon or procrastinated.
Yet, when I suggested developing her own self discipline and sticking to it with determination, she told me that she can never do what I do... That it is just too hard to be this self disciplined....
I was thinking the exact opposite.....
I was thinking that it is SO HARD, to dwell in a state of self loathing for so many years.... When it is so easy to develop and adhere to your own design of self discipline.... And feel proud of yourself.
There were other reasons I chose to come to this meditation retreat, but the biggest one, was my decision to take the ‘goal of enlightenment’ with absolute seriousness and to give it first priority in my life.
I have been meditating for many years prior to this, but meditating in the comfort of my own home, while sited on a comfortable chair, was nothing like what I was experiencing here, and this new meditation schedule, was extremely difficult to keep.
I never get up at 4am and I usually rest when I need to, I keep active when it feels right... but here I was required to sit still in meditation for 11 hours per day....
despite years of meditation, in the beginning of the course, I found it almost impossible to get more than a few minutes per hours of inner silence and peace.
My mind was thinking dozens of thoughts per minutes....and for the first few days, most of what I thought about, revolved around the many discomforts in my body.
During meditation, we were asked to sit in total silence and not to move a limb, even if the pain becomes unbearable....
We were encouraged NOT to change our sitting position, but instead, to observe the inner dialog....
To become mindful of how the focus on the pain, brings up emotions, a desire to ‘fix it’ by moving our limbs or rubbing them...
To notice how the mind, if not allowed to do anything to 'fix' the 'problem', eventually loses interest and goes on to focus on other things.... Until the pain is totally forgotten and disappears.....
And to hopefully recognize the nature of pain and suffering, and how impermanent both really are.
Their ‘hold’ on the body is only enforced by our choice to allow the mind to focus on them.
Sitting on the hard floor, with only a small cushion and no back support, with my legs folded under me, sent shooting pain along my thighs and up into my lower back.
I was cold, uncomfortable, my legs 'fell asleep' and the pain was driving me mad.
An hour became a lifetime of torture.... And my mind was jumping from complaining about the pain, to running movies, recalling TV sitcoms, generating worries, memories, or money making ideas, poetry that 'had to be written down,' or paintings that I needed to remember to make..... Anything but to allow me to sit still and to experience the silence.
You see, we are programmed to listen and to believe our minds.
We identify so closely with our minds, that we do NOT even notice the constant chatter, or what is called the ‘monkey mind chatter,’ which is the way the mind jumps from idea to idea, from memories to dreams, from past events to worries about the future...
We do not notice when our minds are sending us limited messages, or when really WRONG ideas passes through them.
This is where prolong meditation is so valuable.
It puts you face to face with the nature of your own mind and it allows you to see it for what it truly is.
I could hear my mind complain: "Boy, this is REALLY uncomfortable... It hurts so much...."
Or it begged me: "Pleeeeese just move the leg a little the left..... Nobody will notice... They are all sitting with their eyes shut close, and anyway, they are aching themselves,..... Nobody really observes you.... Just move the toe a little to the left..."
Or it threatened me: "This is NOT GOOD... You hear me?... If you will not move your spine, you are going to cause permanent damage..... Or.....You REALLY need to rub this toe, or the lack of blood circulation will cause it to fall off...."
Or it got mad at me: "How stupid of you to fold your legs this way... Before we started this meditation?... Who do you think you are? An advanced yogi? There was no fucking way you could have maintained this posture you chose, for two hours...."
And many times, it just gave up on me.
It simply said: "OK... Be this way... This is SO bad... I am outta of here...... Good night girl.... See ya later..." and I would simply fall into a deep sleep.
I was not the only one sleeping in the hall.
I could hear heavy rhythmic breathing of other sleeping people.
As the days progressed, the verbal silence mixed with the quiet of the countryside, and the lack of stimulation and outside influences, I noticed that my mind was settling into calmer levels that were not available to me before.
My night time dreams, got quieter and the inner dialog became gentler, less frequent and almost stopped.
I noticed how much we take in from our surroundings, by being around other people and taking in subtle information through our senses.
Isolated from all contact, I was free to explore and to enjoy the sweet ocean of my own mind.
It was amazing.
Now, my mind was trying to befriend me.
It was making up such funny jokes, and I had to try and stop myself from bursting into loud laughter.
It was as if I had my own team of comedians, residing inside my mind and trying hard to entertain me.
But despite my delight, and the fact that the hours of the days were passing with much more joy, I recognized it for what it really was... Just another distraction to try and prevent me from diving deeper and moving beyond all thoughts, into the quiet realms of non mind.
As the days progress, it happened.... I was developing equanimity.
The pain would come, and I already knew that it will go away soon..... So I observed it without a desire to release it, and with no annoyance for its presence with me.
With equanimity, there is neither craving for pleasant things, nor aversion for unpleasant things.
There is the experiential feeling of acceptance and an awareness that everything is impermanent...... so when pleasurable things leaves you, you do not crave their return.... And when pain leaves, you also do not jump for joy.... you just observe it dissipate away.
All these subtle sensations, became noticeable, only when my mind was very calm and attentive.
With much practice and commitment, despite the pain and setbacks, I was feeling elated.... Feeling so light and without attachment... Or aversion.... And happiness and love for all, kept bubbling up from inside me.
Much like success in the arts, and in creative writing, 'Continuity of Practice' is the Secret of Success.
I will end this long note, (my apologies for its rumbling length, I am finishing this over tea, in a cafe in Kerikeri NZ, while my poet friend Mike and My husband, are patiently waiting for me to go to lunch), with the saying that I learnt in this course.
It is a beautiful saying if you think of it: "May All human beings be free from aversion"....
Nobody was here to have fun.
I felt my heart sink...
I was escorted to a small narrow cell with a small window, a single hard bed, and a shelf on which to place my toiletries and my handful of clothes.
What did not fit on this narrow shelf, had to be pushed under the small bed.
The mattress was really thin and offered no comfortable support from the hard wooden bed below it.
I was not allow to bring any books or other reading material, and no pen or notebooks were allowed.
It was late autumn and the nights were already getting very cold.
An inefficient electric heater, attached to the wall, was my sole source of heat.
There were nights, I was so cold, that if I was not totally exhausted and sleep deprived, I don't know how I would have fallen asleep.
I was not allowed any form of 'distraction' like music, an iPod, a mobile phone, or a lap top computer.
Men and women slept in separate quarters.
At the end of the female housing block, were the communal showers.
It was a humble structure with simple fittings, mildewed shower stalls and basic toilets.
Later, I will found out that all the work of constructing this place, was done by volunteers.
Food was strict vegetarian, but I was not allowed to eat any dinners.
The last meal of the day was to be eaten at noon.
After that, I was allowed some herbal tea, but nothing else.
I was forbidden to speak to the other inmates or to the guards
And... On top of all this........ I had to sign a paper, saying that I will NOT leave, before the end of the course....
I committed myself to follow all the programs, and to spend ten days in.......... Sitting meditation.
Yes... It was not really a prison, and the 'guards', where actually 'Group facilitators'.
This meditation retreat was a non-denomination, non-religious, non sectarian in nature, and it was not associated with any form of belief system or philosophy.
The schedule was grueling.
4:00 a.m. Morning wake-up bell rings, rush to brush your teeth, pee and dress in comfortable meditation clothing.
4:30-6:30 a.m. Meditate in Dharma Hall, try not to slip back into a sweet sleep, while sitting.
6:30-8:00 a.m. Breakfast break, morning shower.
8:00-9:00 a.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall, everyone must participate, even kitchen volunteers.
9:05-11:00 a.m. Meditate for 2 hours in Dharma Hall.. This is a hard one... Sit without a slight movement in meditation for two consecutive hours...
11:00 -12 noon Vegetarian Lunch break,..... I must admit the food was really tasty and wholesome.
12 noon – 1:00 p.m. Rest or go for a walk. No Yoga or major stretching were allowed.
1:00-2:30 p.m. Meditate in Dharma Hall, another mandatory meditation for everyone.
2:35-3:30 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
3:35-5:00 p.m. Another consecutive two hours meditation stretch.
5:00-6:00 p.m. Tea break, taken in silence
6:00-7:00 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
7:00-8:15 p.m. Teacher’s Discourse in Dharma Hall, listening to concepts and ideas about the meditation process.
8:15-9:00 p.m. Group meditation in Dharma Hall
9:00-9:30 p.m. Open Q&A session or go for a shower.
10:00 p.m. Light out
This schedule was observed very strictly.
Absolutely NO speaking was allowed, not even in sign language.
You were meant to be introspective and to listen to whatever was happening inside you.
Of course, A LOT, was happening inside of me.
I decided to do this meditation retreat, so I can dive deeper into the discipline of sitting alone with my emotions and exploring the depth of my own mind....... as well as attempting to tap into the Universal Mind and hoping to unite the two......
In the process of living life, I’ve observed people around me, and concluded that one of the MAIN reason some people are so unhappy and seem to be drifting about, was lack of inner discipline.
People have a hard time with the concept of discipline.
It brings to their minds, bad memories of harsh parents, unreasonable authority and religious figures, as well as sad memories of being forced to do what is against their grain and natural tendencies.
But discipline is a true blessing, if it comes from inside you... If it is done for your own benefit and is not imposed on you.
When I think of discipline, I do not envision adhering to someone else's ideas, but in living a life that is productive to your own mental and emotional well being.
In filtering out the nonsense and embracing WITH CONSISTENCY, what works for you and putting truth principals into practice, until they shows results in all aspect of your life and being.
People quit so easily... at the sign of hardships.... some fall apart so easily, and do not develop a strong spine that is needed to get things done in life and in relationships.
I love inner discipline, which I view as a strength of character, and I often go on fast days, just to learn to do without.... and to discipline by body to be less soft and less demanding.
I remember once a conversation I had with a girlfriend who was overweight for most of her life and extremely unhappy about it.
She constantly hated herself.......
She mentioned that she lacked the ability to keep to a program, even one that SHE chose, and that it was damaging her own self esteem.
She viewed herself as a failure and as a person who starts things with zeal, but gives up too soon or procrastinated.
Yet, when I suggested developing her own self discipline and sticking to it with determination, she told me that she can never do what I do... That it is just too hard to be this self disciplined....
I was thinking the exact opposite.....
I was thinking that it is SO HARD, to dwell in a state of self loathing for so many years.... When it is so easy to develop and adhere to your own design of self discipline.... And feel proud of yourself.
There were other reasons I chose to come to this meditation retreat, but the biggest one, was my decision to take the ‘goal of enlightenment’ with absolute seriousness and to give it first priority in my life.
I have been meditating for many years prior to this, but meditating in the comfort of my own home, while sited on a comfortable chair, was nothing like what I was experiencing here, and this new meditation schedule, was extremely difficult to keep.
I never get up at 4am and I usually rest when I need to, I keep active when it feels right... but here I was required to sit still in meditation for 11 hours per day....
despite years of meditation, in the beginning of the course, I found it almost impossible to get more than a few minutes per hours of inner silence and peace.
My mind was thinking dozens of thoughts per minutes....and for the first few days, most of what I thought about, revolved around the many discomforts in my body.
During meditation, we were asked to sit in total silence and not to move a limb, even if the pain becomes unbearable....
We were encouraged NOT to change our sitting position, but instead, to observe the inner dialog....
To become mindful of how the focus on the pain, brings up emotions, a desire to ‘fix it’ by moving our limbs or rubbing them...
To notice how the mind, if not allowed to do anything to 'fix' the 'problem', eventually loses interest and goes on to focus on other things.... Until the pain is totally forgotten and disappears.....
And to hopefully recognize the nature of pain and suffering, and how impermanent both really are.
Their ‘hold’ on the body is only enforced by our choice to allow the mind to focus on them.
Sitting on the hard floor, with only a small cushion and no back support, with my legs folded under me, sent shooting pain along my thighs and up into my lower back.
I was cold, uncomfortable, my legs 'fell asleep' and the pain was driving me mad.
An hour became a lifetime of torture.... And my mind was jumping from complaining about the pain, to running movies, recalling TV sitcoms, generating worries, memories, or money making ideas, poetry that 'had to be written down,' or paintings that I needed to remember to make..... Anything but to allow me to sit still and to experience the silence.
You see, we are programmed to listen and to believe our minds.
We identify so closely with our minds, that we do NOT even notice the constant chatter, or what is called the ‘monkey mind chatter,’ which is the way the mind jumps from idea to idea, from memories to dreams, from past events to worries about the future...
We do not notice when our minds are sending us limited messages, or when really WRONG ideas passes through them.
This is where prolong meditation is so valuable.
It puts you face to face with the nature of your own mind and it allows you to see it for what it truly is.
I could hear my mind complain: "Boy, this is REALLY uncomfortable... It hurts so much...."
Or it begged me: "Pleeeeese just move the leg a little the left..... Nobody will notice... They are all sitting with their eyes shut close, and anyway, they are aching themselves,..... Nobody really observes you.... Just move the toe a little to the left..."
Or it threatened me: "This is NOT GOOD... You hear me?... If you will not move your spine, you are going to cause permanent damage..... Or.....You REALLY need to rub this toe, or the lack of blood circulation will cause it to fall off...."
Or it got mad at me: "How stupid of you to fold your legs this way... Before we started this meditation?... Who do you think you are? An advanced yogi? There was no fucking way you could have maintained this posture you chose, for two hours...."
And many times, it just gave up on me.
It simply said: "OK... Be this way... This is SO bad... I am outta of here...... Good night girl.... See ya later..." and I would simply fall into a deep sleep.
I was not the only one sleeping in the hall.
I could hear heavy rhythmic breathing of other sleeping people.
As the days progressed, the verbal silence mixed with the quiet of the countryside, and the lack of stimulation and outside influences, I noticed that my mind was settling into calmer levels that were not available to me before.
My night time dreams, got quieter and the inner dialog became gentler, less frequent and almost stopped.
I noticed how much we take in from our surroundings, by being around other people and taking in subtle information through our senses.
Isolated from all contact, I was free to explore and to enjoy the sweet ocean of my own mind.
It was amazing.
Now, my mind was trying to befriend me.
It was making up such funny jokes, and I had to try and stop myself from bursting into loud laughter.
It was as if I had my own team of comedians, residing inside my mind and trying hard to entertain me.
But despite my delight, and the fact that the hours of the days were passing with much more joy, I recognized it for what it really was... Just another distraction to try and prevent me from diving deeper and moving beyond all thoughts, into the quiet realms of non mind.
As the days progress, it happened.... I was developing equanimity.
The pain would come, and I already knew that it will go away soon..... So I observed it without a desire to release it, and with no annoyance for its presence with me.
With equanimity, there is neither craving for pleasant things, nor aversion for unpleasant things.
There is the experiential feeling of acceptance and an awareness that everything is impermanent...... so when pleasurable things leaves you, you do not crave their return.... And when pain leaves, you also do not jump for joy.... you just observe it dissipate away.
All these subtle sensations, became noticeable, only when my mind was very calm and attentive.
With much practice and commitment, despite the pain and setbacks, I was feeling elated.... Feeling so light and without attachment... Or aversion.... And happiness and love for all, kept bubbling up from inside me.
Much like success in the arts, and in creative writing, 'Continuity of Practice' is the Secret of Success.
I will end this long note, (my apologies for its rumbling length, I am finishing this over tea, in a cafe in Kerikeri NZ, while my poet friend Mike and My husband, are patiently waiting for me to go to lunch), with the saying that I learnt in this course.
It is a beautiful saying if you think of it: "May All human beings be free from aversion"....
