Closing chapters
I find myself running up the stairs,
Skipping two steps at the time,
Until I am in front of the large wooden door.
The name on the door, is NOT familiar,....
Still, I find myself knocking with a zeal.
I am not sure where this bravery, I feel,
Is coming from....?
When I run this scenario in my mind,.....
back in America,
I was sure that I will be shy and VERY nervous.
I must admit that I am nervous,....
Just not really scared....
And I am aware,
that I am willing to take the risk.....
What risk?
You may ask....
Well, the risk that a jealous wife will open the door,
Or a disinterested teenager.....
Or worst of all,
an ex husband who does not care.....to see me....
But the man who opens the door,
Has never heard of Roni, my first husband.
And I back down the stairs slowly and sadly.
I check the mailboxes,
his name is NOT on ANY of them.
Even the building looks different.
it is clean and freshly painted,
It looks almost like a NEW building,
Not an old Bauhaus style building....
Which it is...
I am thinking.... That.....maybe
I did mix reality with illusions here....
maybe?....
It has been SO LONG...
twenty five years....
But there, in the corners of the mailboxes,
Forgotten and almost discarded,
Is an unclaimed water bill,
it has Roni's name on it.
Another man is taking the rubbish to the trash bins,
I ask if he knows Roni...
YES!
He does.
He says he moved...
A LONG time ago...
Sold the apartment.
The telephone information girl,
say she have no listings
under his name....
In the whole country.....
Will I be able to find him?
Will I be able to say I am sorry?
Later, Jules insists I try information
For Roni's mother.
I make contact with Roni's mom.
She is still her bubbly self.
She said he is married now..
I say I am married too...
I say I just want to....
If she thinks it is the right thing to do...
She says Roni was truly heart broken...
She says these were REALLY hard times for him...
I say, it was hard for me too...
She say: "REALLY? I did not think so... I thought you wanted out....?"
I say it was one of the hardest times in my life...
She softens....
she says she always loved me....
I cry...
She says she'll see what she can do...
Roni is NOT like most men.... She says.
He is truly sensitive...
It may NOT be good for him....
I say I understand...
I truly have NO IDEA what the fuck am I doing....
LET THE PAST BE PAST!.... I say to myself....
But I loved him so...
And I never told him... So many things....
Well, you still.. Will not be able to say much...
Even if you'll meet... With Jules there... And his new wife... And maybe his mom...
Just let it be girl!......
Heal it in YOUR mind...
Not on the streets....
And all these tears....
They flood me...
Skipping two steps at the time,
Until I am in front of the large wooden door.
The name on the door, is NOT familiar,....
Still, I find myself knocking with a zeal.
I am not sure where this bravery, I feel,
Is coming from....?
When I run this scenario in my mind,.....
back in America,
I was sure that I will be shy and VERY nervous.
I must admit that I am nervous,....
Just not really scared....
And I am aware,
that I am willing to take the risk.....
What risk?
You may ask....
Well, the risk that a jealous wife will open the door,
Or a disinterested teenager.....
Or worst of all,
an ex husband who does not care.....to see me....
But the man who opens the door,
Has never heard of Roni, my first husband.
And I back down the stairs slowly and sadly.
I check the mailboxes,
his name is NOT on ANY of them.
Even the building looks different.
it is clean and freshly painted,
It looks almost like a NEW building,
Not an old Bauhaus style building....
Which it is...
I am thinking.... That.....maybe
I did mix reality with illusions here....
maybe?....
It has been SO LONG...
twenty five years....
But there, in the corners of the mailboxes,
Forgotten and almost discarded,
Is an unclaimed water bill,
it has Roni's name on it.
Another man is taking the rubbish to the trash bins,
I ask if he knows Roni...
YES!
He does.
He says he moved...
A LONG time ago...
Sold the apartment.
The telephone information girl,
say she have no listings
under his name....
In the whole country.....
Will I be able to find him?
Will I be able to say I am sorry?
Later, Jules insists I try information
For Roni's mother.
I make contact with Roni's mom.
She is still her bubbly self.
She said he is married now..
I say I am married too...
I say I just want to....
If she thinks it is the right thing to do...
She says Roni was truly heart broken...
She says these were REALLY hard times for him...
I say, it was hard for me too...
She say: "REALLY? I did not think so... I thought you wanted out....?"
I say it was one of the hardest times in my life...
She softens....
she says she always loved me....
I cry...
She says she'll see what she can do...
Roni is NOT like most men.... She says.
He is truly sensitive...
It may NOT be good for him....
I say I understand...
I truly have NO IDEA what the fuck am I doing....
LET THE PAST BE PAST!.... I say to myself....
But I loved him so...
And I never told him... So many things....
Well, you still.. Will not be able to say much...
Even if you'll meet... With Jules there... And his new wife... And maybe his mom...
Just let it be girl!......
Heal it in YOUR mind...
Not on the streets....
And all these tears....
They flood me...
