About love and a Matriarchal Society
Recently, I have been reflecting on the model of marriage and friendship that passes as “normal” in our popular societies.
It is so ingrained into our ways of thinking and behaving, that we do not even stop to reevaluate it, to draw wisdom from other societies or to embrace other concepts.
But I have been thinking long and hard about this subject and often recently.
It all ignited in my mind, when I started saying: “I love you” to men who were NOT my husband.
They felt weird.... unsure of what to do with it.... what do I mean by it?......
When I tried to hug a friend in New Zealand, before I left the country for a few months, he pulled softly out of my arms, saying that Jules is looking, and he may NOT be comfortable with this.
Another poet friend who met us in a coffee shop in Auckland, also felt uncomfortable with me hugging him, next to Jules, even though we have been saying “I love you” to one another for months, in front of Jules, his girlfriend and all of our FB friends.
Not in every society today on earth, people live in such fear of embracing others, who are not their partners, verbally, physically and emotionally into their hearts.
In fact, the variety of cultures and social agreements, around the world is very diverse.
More recently, my husband Jules had befriended by best friend Peter.....
I know, I know.... very thin ice here....
But, I was happy to see them willing to bond.
I have never tried to hide my love for Peter.
It is too huge, to try and hide it from anyone.
As I watched them danced into one another’s presence, I noticed that there was a bit of a territorial sensitivity in there.
As if Peter was trying to honor Jules’ territory, and as if Jules is sensitive to the embrace and invitation of another male into his territory.
It brought to my mind an image of dogs, sniffing one another’s butts, trying to see how vicious or how friendly the other can be....
I may be making all this up in my own mind,..... but this is how I felt.
I am going to add here some of our email exchange to illustrate this point:
Tali:
“Peter, Darling boy,
You were just joking when you said you plan to switch to writing to Jules instead of to me....... right?
It will be the saddest thing on earth.
Jules already took one of my poet friends who switch to writing to him.
Now, they write long and intimate letters to one another, and the jerk does not write to me AT ALL.
I am just kidding.
I am truly delighted to see the depth of the bond that they share....
What is it with men? Being so territorial? Or trying to 'honor' one another's territory?
We are NOT dogs.
I am NOT a bitch.....
I am a fragrant flower... anyone can smell me and enjoy.....
There is nothing in your email to Jules, but fun, honesty and playfulness.
I love the scene where you suggested a dual glove match with Jules....
It was VERY funny, and I love the way you described it......
Although,..... if he does punch you, I am divorcing him... Not filming it...... You Funny boy.....”
Peter’s response:
“You have to admit though, it would be a great video.
I think I'd be willing to have you live-stream it too...
I'm really good at the getting naked and crying part...
I mean, REALLY good.
A master maybe...
And feeling guilty and apologizing? Pfffff.
I KNOW I'm a bastard, I mean a master at that.
Of course I was joking about only writing to Jules now.
It was just... what popped into my head.
Like a rabbit running across the trail.
That's what always happens now.
This writing thing is blowing my mind, I have to tell you.
It's like I said about the difference between looking-for and finding.
I feel like I'm just kind of wandering along... and there it is appearing on the monitor.
And then, I read it and laugh like hell.
Go figure.
So, that email made you feel like Jules and I consider you a dog or a bitch, huh?
Interesting......
The ONLY relationship models that ever made sense to me were matrilocal and matrilineal ones like the ones in tribal native cultures.
There is no ownership of anything really, let alone people...
Although there was some slavery, I guess.
I don't remember now how that fits in the timeline.
It could be post-contact, tainted-by-the-white-man stuff.
As I understand it, if anything, the women had more say in relationships than the men did.
Like, for a divorce, all she had to do was put his stuff outside the lodge. That's it. End of conversation.
Overall, it was just more free-flowing and natural... with different ways to connect, different kinds of relationships.
Anyway...
I'm glad that email wasn't a complete bomb.
If Jules was laughing, then I guess he got it.
This is a great relief to me.”
Tali’s response:
“Darling boy....
Thank you so much for your further reflection on this subject.
On a recent cycling trip to China,
We visited a magical place called “Lake Lugu”.
“Lugu Lake” is situated 200 kilometers (approximately 124 miles) from the center of Lijiang City, between Yunnan Province and Sichuan Province.
The lake is unbelievably beautiful.
Most of the day, it is the color of jade green mixed with Azure blue.
It is shaped like a horse's hoof.
It changes its colors constantly throughout the day.
The morning mist mixed with the light of the rising sun, gives the lake an orange glow.
When the light of the sun causes the hills to throw their shadows onto the water, the lake has a jade green color.
The lake is calm and dark green in the evenings and it is very peaceful at night.
The temperatures are usually mild, with a gentle wind blowing, causing the water to ripple.
On the lake, there are five islands of different sizes.
There are many varieties of birds living on it.
Mystery and charm surround the lake.
It is still an unspoiled place, despite the fast pace in which China is changing its skin, aiming to modernize its outer reaches, it still retains much of its natural beauty.
The highlight of the place is in its inhabitants, the “Mosuo” People who live there in the form of a matriarchal society.
There are no marriages at all.
Men stay in the women's home as mates called 'Axia' and the intimate relationship lasts as long as they like.
The women lives in beautiful wooden compounds, with large courtyards and two floors, mostly log construction homes.
The lower floors, are for communal use, like cooking and living, and the second levels has the women’s bedrooms in them.
If a woman wants the relationship, she keeps her door (or window..... I kid you not!) open, for her “visitor” who is actually her mate and lover.
If she wants to end the relationship, she simply locks the door for a night or two and he “gets” the message.
Nothing more is needed.
There is no need to take his things out, as he does not usually have anything left behind, in her beautiful, but spartan room.
Usually he lives on his own mother’s compound.
Children are brought up by the women, and use the surname of their mothers.
Families are composed of the members of the matrilineal kin.
Men can help with support of the children if they choose to do so, but they are under NO OBLIGATION TO DO SO.
They can provide gifts and love, to the children, but it is NOT usually expected of them.
Women operate production and management, and hold the principal position in the society, forming a modern day 'woman's kingdom', which adds to the mystique of this place.
The lake is encircled with hills, as if to “protect” this ancient beauty and the beauty of its people from the moral judgement of the world.
Now, I am not saying it could be done in our societies......, in the USA or in NZ.
Mostly because it require a strong, loving family based bond, to exist between mothers and daughters and years of smoothing out the details of this society.
But, when I reflect on how difficult it was, to divorce my third husband...
How it required a restraining order to keep him away from my window and door...
I wonder how wonderful it will be, to be living in a society that embrace a change of heart as perfectly normal.....
That does NOT require its people to marry, at all.... just to love one another.
That does embrace the care of the children with love and do not use them as a tool for alimony and ransom..... sorry..... child support payments (I KNOW this slip will NOT be popular among most readers...)
A society that is mellow about matters of the heart,..... that is truly loving but NOT POSSESSIVE....
And,
I hope...
I dream....
I wonder....
And I cannot help thinking.....
What is the real estate prices in Lugu Lake today?.....
If you care to read an autobiography of a young woman from that part of the world, I recommend the book: “Leaving Mother’s Lake; A Girlhood at the Edge of the World” by Yang Erche Namu (Author),and Christine Mathieu (Author)
